Beautiful clear sky tonight.

Keep finding myself slipping from happy engagement in things into horrifying, crushed emptiness.

Don't know if you've ever been subjected to sustained abuse by someone you love for trying to explain that they're hurting you. It makes an impression.

Have mapped out dinner party plans through Christmas Eve, after that, think I'm going to take a hiatus from that till Chinese New Year. January is going to be difficult, hard to express how difficult I expect it to be. Probably best if I spend it quietly by myself, wouldn't want to inadvertently hurt anyone. Week safety margin on either side, probably best.

Going to watch some cartoons.