Monday, December 24, 2007

Strange thing, being so emotionally unavailable- didn't used to be that way, bit flat but very available. These days- feelings all over the place & very, very unavailable. Try it & see, don't think you'll care much for it. Everything important to me has been compressed into a tiny, dense ball for safekeeping & to use as a weapon at every opportunity. Far too dense & tiny for my using it as a weapon to put it at risk.

Also having a lot of thoughts unintelligible even to me, that's also a new thing, at least in these quantities. Chemical imbalance, perhaps, at least it's a change.

Fell asleep for a little while, found myself face to face with dead beloved (what else is new?) in a very cramped dark place, smelled of her & earth & damp & death, could somehow trace the contour of her brow, her eyelid in the nonlight, something between sight & touch, no reason for a face like that to be dead, oh, hell, hell, hell.

Going to go back to sleep.

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