Wednesday, November 7, 2007

11:11, make a wish, right?

Was lying around, feeling sick & sad, decided to look up some information about camera repair order, ended up going through some old email in a simultaneously sentimental & critical mood, mostly self-critical. Came across this:


On 12/3/06, dbr wrote:
> after talking to you I started to feel just incredibly wiped out,
> couldn't remember when I last had the dog out, took him out again,
> very strange, disoriented, two young guys ran by me & one said
> 'evening, guvnor,' had a hard time keeping track of what the dog was
> doing. guess it was kind of a long, intense day. feeling pretty
> overwhelmed with positive feelings, very atypical, keep tearing up.
> I'm just so touched by your wanting to do this with me, I mean,
> really, wow, are you sure? doesn't seem real, not used to being
> loved back.
> dbr"

So the thing about this is, when I say I'm sure, I actually am. Hence the confusion. Let myself get confused by convincing myself, by mistakenly thinking, that somebody else was a lot more like me than she actually was, horrible consequences. Not a criticism of anyone but me, other people are allowed to be mistaken, hard not to beat myself up over it, trying not to, genuinely meant well, just stupidly optimistic, unlike me. Best if I stay more like me in future, I guess, cold, cruel eye for a cold, cruel world, keeping the helping hand well hidden in my vest when anyone's looking.

Thought I knew worry pretty well, always been a worried person, but I've gotten to know it a whole lot better, always coming across new & strange aspects, oftentimes doesn't seem like worry at all, anger, despair, euphoria, sharpness, collapse, chaos, all guises of the same old fear.

Watching a ship, sailing away in flames, its crew imagining it's me that's been abandoned, here on the peaceful shore.

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