Have had myself sent into town to be cleaned & pressed, meanwhile working selflessly from home in frilly bathrobe.

Lots to do, weekend buildup of debris & detritus, no time yet today to dig through it, there's wall demolition underway in storage area abutting server room, easier to work here. If power supply arrives, will go back later to put server back together. May need to borrow some of the gardener's clothes.

Peretz is relieved, weather continuing crisp & autumnal, could use being more crisp myself, should really work in a shower at some point, smell is important. Already plenty autumnal.

Hard to comes to terms with the fact that someone you're very inclined to trust is a big fucking liar. Well, that's imprecise, I already knew she was a big fucking liar, can be a total wreck & someone from work appears, all smiles & interest- just thought she'd have the sense not to lie to me. The Dark Lord always knows & all that.

Big on irony & metaphor myself, also deliberate falsehoods, should probably try assimilating her behavior to that and see if I like that better. Different tropes for different fopes.

Running over the pieces of my soul in my head, hidden safely away in different people and places, in plain sight, mostly, as I've read my Poe.

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore &c., &c.

Had a little coffee, checked on server that went down last night, down again, rushed around outside with dog for a few minutes, ran over to work, again no shower, brought it back up, stayed up for half an hour, then down again, replaced the power supply with one from a noncritical server, not proper server power supplies at all, connections all over the place, fucking low end Dell garbage, anyway, up again, seems to be staying up, another power supply is being ordered, etc.

Going to take P for a proper walk now, poor guy, wants me to get a different job.

Had extremely bad dreams, only slept sporadically, woke with stomach cramps. Almost time for work.

Brain is still deeply convinced that beloved person is going to harm herself despite my having become somewhat skeptical about it. Stupid brain.

Sox win.

Game got a little more exciting toward the end anyway. Must be difficult to be an avid supporter of a team that gets less interesting when they succeed. They do seem to have an unusual amount of personality, easy to see how people could get into them.

Sad & worried. Should probably go to bed, think I'll have bad dreams. Oh, well.

Had slipped into pjs, settled into watching what there was of a ballgame, call from work, no email, checked, server down, put on clothes, went & brought server back up, looked it over briefly, back home again, back in pjs, hope to stay that way for rest of the evening.

Another home run.

So damn sad, hard to explain, helplessly watching people I care about's lives spiral into shit out of the corner of my eye, their own doing, my not being able to help is their own doing. Doesn't make me feel any better about it, hell.

Watching the moon out the window.

Watching the game, wouldn't have thought I'd live to see the Sox sweep a World Series, will be pretty anticlimactic if it happens again, hope Em deals with it OK. Wonder if they'll ever manage to burn that piano bench.

Had to close the window after all, have a bit of a chill, wrapped in a blanket.

Dining on leftover dolmas & dip, sharing pieces of lavash with Peretz. Has been very difficult being vilified & abandoned by someone I love, can take care of myself quite respectably, though, thanks.

Cold enough that I'm tempted to close the window, would be a pity, love the fresh air.

Thinking again about Zur Genealogie der Moral, one of the most insightful & stimulating things I've ever read, seems more relevant all the time. Has certainly been very helpful in dealing with being evil, at least conceptually, and that, after all, is what matters most.

'That lambs are annoyed at the great predatory birds is not a strange thing, and the fact that they snatch away small lambs provides no reason for holding anything against these large birds of prey. And if the lambs say among themselves, “These predatory birds are evil—and whoever is least like a predatory bird—and especially anyone who is like its opposite, a lamb—shouldn’t that animal be good?” there is nothing to find fault with in this setting up of an ideal, except for the fact that the birds of prey might look down with a little mockery and perhaps say to themselves, “We are not at all annoyed with these good lambs—we even love them. Nothing is tastier than a tender lamb.”'

Contrasts interestingly with Blake, also very stimulating treatment of good and evil, though less subtle and psychologically sound.

Hands are very cold.

Thinking about having a burger, should probably have some leftovers instead.

That John Updike poem:

'Playing golf on Cape Ann in October,
I saw something to remember.
Ripe apples were caught like red fish in nets
of their branches. The maples
were colored like apples,
part orange and red, part green.
The elms, already transparent trees,
seemed swaying vases full of sky. The sky
was dramatic with great straggling V’s
of geese streaming south, mare’s-tails above them.
Their trumpeting made us look up and around.
The course sloped into salt marshes,
and this seemed to cause the abundance of birds.
As if out of the Bible
or science fiction,
a cloud appeared, a cloud of dots
like iron fillings which a magnet
underneath the paper undulates.
It dartingly darkened in spots,
paled, pulsed, compressed, distended, yet
held an identity firm: a flock
of starlings, as much one thing as a rock.
One will moved above the tress
the liquid and hesitant drift.
Come nearer, it became less marvelous,
more legible, and merely huge.
“I never saw so many birds!” my friend exclaimed.
We returned our eyes to the game.
Later, as Lot’s wife must have done,
in a pause of walking, not thinking
of calling down a consequence,
I lazily looked around.
The rise of the fairway above was tinted,
so evenly tinted I might not have noticed
but that at the rim of the delicate shadow
the starlings were thicker and outlined the flock
as an inkstain in drying pronounces its edges.
The gradual rise of green was vastly covered;
I had thought nothing in nature could be so broad
but grass.
And as
I watched, one bird,
prompted by accident or will to lead,
ceased resting; and, lifting in a casual billow,
the flock ascended as a lady’s scarf,
transparent, of gray, might be twitched
by one corner, drawn upward an then,
decided against, negligently tossed toward a chair:
the southward cloud withdrew into the air.
Long had it been since my heart
Had been lifted as it was by the lifting of that great
scarf.'

Talking to my mom about HDTVs.

Walked into town, thinking of sad little man, narrow, small-minded, petty, cruel. Supposedly he's read Reich, not much for reading comprehension as far as I can tell. As I moved faster through the city, looking at things quickly, taking snaps, building, overwhelming relief that he is no longer my problem. Snips of John Updike poem about birds taking off from a golf course that there was an essay question about on my AP English exam running through my head.

Passed onto Smith campus, moving faster, dawn redwood, then around the pond, singing 'Pale Blue Eyes' to myself, into the woods where it was 'Blues in the Bottle'. Leaving the grounds, hyperaware, quasi-ecstatic state, everything is nature, everything is perfect beauty. Should really get back to that Goethe.

Stopped and talked to some young women selling baked goods for Heifer International, gave them five bucks for a slice of tollhouse pie and moved on. Sugar rush kicked in on South Street, in my brain and on my lips:

"My face is slack
And kidneys burn
In the small of my back
Will never learn
Well I'm not going back
To the slow life
Because every step is a drag
And pieces of kite
Of materials you never catch
Come up for a snatch
Up from hell
Once in a while
Cause I am Jack
From a burning ring
My face is slack
And I think think think
I just think think think
Too fast to write
Too fast to work
Just burn burn burn
I sat and drank
While my dreams decay
I'm 45
Cause I am Jack
From a burning ring
And my face is slack
And I think think think
I just drink drink drink
Too fast to write
Too fast to work
I just burn burn burn
I eat hot dogs
I live on pies
I'm 45
Cause I am Jack
And I think think think
Just think think think
Too fast to write
Too fast to work
Just burn burn burn
And put down left-wing tirades
and the musical trade
End free trade
I say eat this grenade
Gonna eat this grenade
Cause I am Jack
Some man from the docks
They are smart
Their brains are half
They never end
Just follow trends
But I am Jack
From a burning ring
My face is slack
And I think think think
Just think think think
Too fast to write
Too fast to work
I just burn burn burn
I am Jack
And put down left-wing tirades
and the musical trade
End all free trade
I said eat this grenade
I said eat this grenade
End all free trade
I said eat this grenade"

Thousands of snaps, a thousand thousand sounds. I'm a little flower, I'm nothing, music is all.

When I got home a minute ago, I had to pee like a racehorse.

Just back from long walk with Peretz, very bright outside and cold, but getting warmer. Was planning to catch up on some web work, think I'm going to spend some more time outside first, nice when the inner and outer are in correspondence, so-called fallacy or no.

Some more coffee first, though, I think.

P-dog is a b-boy:

Overslept for maybe the second time this year, wouldn't have been a big deal if I hadn't scheduled going over to VFR at 10:30 to have a look at their streaming server setup, as it was, woke up at 10, threw on clothes, took the dog for a quick walk, then out the door, no shower, no coffee.

Their setup is a bit of a mess, layered issues, need to start peeling them back, figuring out what's where, etc. Made a copy of all the config of the server at the station, will go through that sometime this week hopefully, there's another by the transmitter I'll need to get a look at at some point.

After that, walked down the hill for some quick solo dim sum at Great Wall, delightful as always, makes me want to make Sunday morning radio station tech activities a regular thing despite feeling spread a bit thin.

Coffee's brewing. Morning, sunshine.

Party was pretty much as expected, incessant sequenced beats, desperate youth in costume, etc. Learned that estranged pal has managed to total two cars since his estrangement, not particularly surprising either, poor guy, in so many ways.

Spent a lot of time watching & listening, not taking any pictures, lots of other folks taking pictures. Carmody had heard something cool about me, but had forgotten what it was. Talked food a little with Kieran.

Walked home through the cool damp air under the high moon, singing 'Instant Karma' quietly to myself. I'm not always the nicest person.

Dinner party attendance continues to manifest the reverse of my recent artistic practice, quality over quantity. Lovely array of food I made, got full too fast, nervous stomach, lychees did go beautifully with the Cronenberg. Doing what I like more again is making me feel a lot better integrated and incorporated, feeling better about letting people walk their own poorly chosen paths, walking my own unchosen one. It's quite beautiful actually. I could be in love with almost everyone.

Just walked the dog, dog tired, almost as tired as I want that coffee. Thinking about going & checking out spooky rave chez hip kids anyway, probably kind of a drag, doesn't mean it won't be interesting. Anyway, moon is high, lovely night for a walk.

Yellow Generals' Scandal unmolded only partially successfully, better than I expected frankly, ate the bits stuck to the mold, magically delicious.

Gratin's almost done, awaiting the nonarrival of guests, drinking some sake. Wish you were here.

Behind the paper with Peretz & my blinding orange hoodie, giant puddles, sudden torrent of leaves, reflecting on the fall.

We are back & this next number is Fiery Jack.

Been cooking, clears my head like nothing else, well, not nothing else, anyway, it's pretty good. Dolmas are prepared, chilling, gratin is assembled, chilling, will add cream & hazelnuts later & bake it more. Only other things left to do are to clean & roast root vegetables, attempt unmolding of dessert, lay table, maybe tidy up a bit.

IMed a bit with Henry & Nancy in Italy, sounds like they're having a good time, makes me happy.

So much makes me happy, actually, may not sound like it, it is how it is.

Rain is making Peretz very sleepy.

Fell asleep on the couch, listening to the rain. Been spending a lot of time labeling photos, nice & mindless. Hands are cold, challenging to type.

Lunar anniversary of first attempt to kick me to the curb, took some practice, I guess. Glad I'm not that confused about things.

So cold, should take a hot shower.

Made my dip, realized I was missing a few things necessary to make dolma filling, ran out to the store to get them. Got them quickly enough, then stuck endlessly in line behind crazy guy talking with cashier about his relationship problems, disputing the price of grape tomatoes, remarking on how his first name was the same as that of Glen Frey whose 'You belong to the city' was playing, that Glen Frey was in the Eagles, etc., etc.

Deal better with being on my own than some, apparently.

Walking across the parking lot, intense déjà vu about another déjà vu I had walking across the same parking lot, wrote about that one on previous blog, I believe. Strange doubling.

Dog's walked, dishes mostly washed, roasting peppers for a pepper walnut dip, going to make cabbage dolmas once that's done, I think. Haven't stopped going for about a month, should take a break soon, it's hard.

Emotions all over the place, a bit haywire, nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal these days, dealing with it. Extreme state of nervous agitation, but basically sweet. Twitchy, bugs all over me, brain all over the place, hard to take a break.

Frittata accomplished, washing that down with some pale dry ginger ale, little bit of energy returning, may yet wash dishes, prepare meze.

Dog seems to want out again, his understanding & patience have their limits.

We're a lot alike.

Realized I had T's old tangerine clamshell iBook in a case in a closet upstairs, using that for light duty web tasks such as this, it's quite slow, still a comfort.

So damn tired, sinking into couch with laptop's just what the doctor ordered.

Light rain has started. Thinking of making a frittata with some leftover roasted vegetables if I ever manage to stand up again. Peretz is with me, highly sympathetic.

Just back from replacing somebody's dead router, on the way over was thinking about the notion of guilt-tripping. Unlike a lot of the other things I've been accused of doing/being, it's not even untrue, I think the whole idea is a lot of nonsense. It seems to me that when someone tells you you're behaving irresponsibly the cases are basically these, you disagree and therefore don't feel guilty; you agree and try to act responsibly, here you might feel a bit guilty, but probably not very much, especially as the behaving responsibly would probably involve making amends in some way for your prior behavior; you agree, but are determined to continue acting irresponsibly. This last case is the only one of the three that I think would bring on accusations of 'guilt-tripping' and the thing about it that makes it so is something the accused person does. Basically, the most the accuser can be said to have done is to have drawn attention to something both parties think blameworthy, hard to see what's so awful about that, particularly in cases where responsible behavior is really called for.

Don't think much of guilt generally, more of a stumbling block to acting responsibly than anything else, though I guess it's supposed to be a spur to that, haven't found that to be so for the most part, seems usually to be treated as an end in itself. A similar relationship seems to hold between shame and clear moral thought.

Went to Look after job, delicious burger, saw beautiful brownie ala mode being served on the way out, no time to have one, got a cinnamon roll to go instead. Very sugary.

Sitting at my desk shaking with exhaustion, cold. Not getting much done.

Spent walk with P before work thinking about semiosis, should probably distribute some semantics, semiotics texts under the E.R. Alling Memorial Lending Library imprint soon. All about the meaning.

Recovered 2 button scroll mouse from work to make remote Windows sessions from home desktop more bearable. Generating metadata.

Found on desktop of disused upstairs computer I'm using while laptop is in shop:

"Looking for quiet?

QUIET STUDY FLOORS: 2nd and 3rd floor. Please: no talking or unnecessary noise in these areas. Wireless Internet access and electrical outlets available.

DROP-IN STUDY CARRELS: Try a first-come, first-serve carrel when you desire a quiet, private place to study for an hour or the whole day. No Wireless.", etc.

Guess she found it, quiet as the grave.

When people feel like their feelings are coming from outside, something is generally very wrong. Anyway, have found playing the role of the uncomfortable bits of somebody else's insides a bit unsettling, try to be what's wanted though & anyway, romantic love, lust, directness, violence are, despite my solitary, contemplative, convoluted & sedentary ways, things I'm quite comfortable with.

Ronin, ha ha ha, me & my Bulshido, strolling down the avenue.

Would be happy to get on with the alien invasion, frankly, seem to have misplaced my heat ray. Would probably just end being killed by the puny humans with some deus ex machina again anyway. Common cold, water, death of a close relative. Need some new writers.

Samurai sword, heat ray, gaze. I saw the sign & it opened up my mind.

Feel like something the cat dragged in & I haven't even got a cat.

Coffee maker's back on the straight & narrow anyhow.

Was thinking about how being hurt is a drag because it compels me to think about & take care of myself, time and attention better spent on other things & other people, need to be somewhat functional to be any use to anyone, unfortunately.

Dreams of loved one's death seem to have died down a bit, back to the war & torture, more what I'm used to. Lots of good uses for a vivid imagination, has its downsides. Willing to put up with them, willing to put up with most anything, actually.

Looking at the pine tree out the window, Peretz is lying on a comforter on the red futon, paws covering nose, cold morning.

Half watching game, was talking to my mom for a while, eating various leftovers. Strange to not have laptop around, awfully used to it, think I'd get used to not having what I'm used to around, don't really, everything feels off, all the time.

Awfully tired, sort of relieved I delayed dinner party. Going to be the first more or less normal weekend in quite some time, long run, bit winded.

Strange writing this at a desk, feel like I'm at work.

OK, back to lying around with Peretz.

Process of dropping off laptop for repair was more time consuming than expected, have therefore rescheduled dinner party fpr Saturday at 7 (another calendar I have places the full moon then anyway, so I don't feel too bad about it). Stopped by Chip Shop for tasty hot dog combo after finishing with computer, always a pleasure, got remaining party necessities from Holyoke Stop 'n' Shop, finally found hazelnuts (apparently there's a worldwide shortage).

Nice fortune cookie fortunes I got with nice Chinese lunch earlier somehow found their way onto my desk, "You are gifted in many ways." "Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and soul devout." One out of two's, or two out of three's, not bad, I guess.

Making another copy of my hard drive, can't be too careful if you can't be good.

OK, going to have some snacks, maybe watch the game.

Well, it seems my laptop's hard drive has well & truly shit the bed. Did manage to make a copy before it stopped working entirely, on hold with support now.

Think I've fixed my coffee maker, anyway.

Cooking to be done, wish I could get this over with. Horrible staticky jazz is playing.

A while ago, walking through yellow wood with Peretz, thinking about Robert Frost, the process of becoming a cliché.

Aversion to cliché, the intellectual cliché par excellence. Really, they're behind most everything, worth paying attention to.

Dry mouth, twitchy.

Was nice to feel loved for a while, maybe she even actually did. It's hard to tell sometimes when people are very ill, abrupt changes, seem strangely disconnected from things, mastered by internal processes, makes one feel a little unreal oneself.

I know our seeming to be in love with one another made me a lot happier with myself and things generally, was my strong impression the same went for her, sad, watching someone slip down a drain inside herself, whirling vortex, a few peeps for help & she's gone.

My youthful but lurid attraction to my kindergarten teacher contributed substantially to my strong abiding interest in mousiness, I think.

Redid little bit of organization undone by computer flakiness last night, coffee maker on the fritz also, working on fixing that.

Thinking about being called with technical support questions by my brother while shopping for fancy cheese & sundries the other night, so fucking typical, makes me laugh when I even think about thinking about it.

Thinking about being at odds with people I have no interest in being at odds with, was extremely stressful & disconcerting for a long while, now just tiresome like everything else that's unbeautiful.

Thinking about things I can't talk about, there being things I can't talk about, things I have to do at work today.

Thinking about thinking.

Reading about ladybugs coating Valley homes, looking for a warm place to spend the winter. Poor little dears.

"The Asian Ladybird Beetle's native homeland is Japan, where they over-wintered mostly in limestone cliffs. 'If they see a light-colored house, it is a beacon to them,' said Robert D. Childs, instructor of Entomology, and Plant Soil Insect Sciences at the University of Massachusetts for 25 years. The ladybugs home in on the large light-colored homes, looking to get in, mistaking them initially for limestone cliffs."

The shepherd will count his sheep,
The valleys will bloom again,
And Jimmy will go to sleep
In his own little room again &c., &c.

Britain/Japan, compare & contrast.

Dreamed I got a text message about how I only love myself, totally wrongheaded, nice curt poetic language.

Thinking about disenchantment, know lots about that, also enchantment. Both have their good points.

Need to reinstall my VPN client.

Went on walk with Peretz, he was acting incredibly squirrelly, arm & shoulder hurt. Came back, had some 19th Hole, Half Grapefruit/Half Lemon, sank into couch, thought of happier days. Computer's still acting up, spent a good deal of time organizing photos, all lost when it froze up again, tried resetting the PRAM, we'll see if that helps. Don't blame the computer, I place a lot of demands on it.

Looks like it's back to autumn weather, none too soon.

Well, that was exciting.

Just as I was about to set out on preparing my fanciful dessert, I noticed that a hard crash earlier has left the OS on my laptop pretty badly fucked up. What's an information professional/culinary adventurer to do? Start an OS reinstall & get back to making dessert it turns out.

Laptop seems functional again, sure I'll notice weirdnesses soon, dessert seems interesting, have my doubts that it'll unmold successfully, should taste good anyway.

Here's how I made Yellow Generals' Scandal- prepared a vanilla custard similar to that used to fill cream puffs (eggs, sugar, flour, milk, vanilla, butter), set that aside to cool. Put 1/2 cup sake & 1/2 cup water & about a 1/4 cup of sugar in a saucepan & brought it to a boil, removed from heat. Sprayed chrysanthemum bundt pan with Pam, started lightly dipping ladyfingers in sake syrup, then lining pan with them. Once pan was lined, folded about a cup of sour cream into the custard, poured some into pan, made a layer of mandarin orange slices, put in a few more ladyfingers, more custard, layer of lychees, more custard, layer of tinned mango, covered the bottom with more dipped ladyfingers, poured remaining syrup over them, covered in foil, put in the refrigerator. Only rough spot was when I couldn't find my can opener, nice when houseguests do the dishes, sometimes it's hard to figure out where they've put stuff.

Feeling pretty wound up, alive with love, cheerful. Really, if I've ever told you I love you, I really fucking meant it, still do. Let me know if you need anything.

Shaking, mostly from exhaustion, though it has gotten a mite chilly.

Going to try preparing my Yellow Generals' Scandal tonight, ingredients are in readiness, making a vanilla custard is the first step. Wondering if what I'm planning will actually work.

Work continues very busy, getting a surprising amount done.

Going to take some eggs out of the refrigerator, then walk the dog while they rise to room temperature.

Up again after not enough sleep, made strawberry pierogis for my mom, my dad is enjoying forbidden donuts, they're both leaving soon, then it'll be: reentry, decoupled, solo. Friendly little probe, home again from deep space collision with the other:

"I ... am ... Nomad. I am performing my function. Deep emptiness ... It approaches. Collision. Damage. Blackness. I ... am ... the other. I am Tan Ru ... Tan Ru Nomad. Tan ... Ru ... Error. Flaw. Imperfection. Must sterilize. Rebirth. We are complete. Much power. Gunta ... new ...eca ... Tan Ru. The creator instructs. Search out. Identify. Sterilize imperfections. We ... are ... Nomad. We ... are ... Nomad. We are complete. We are instructed. Our purpose is clear. Sterilize imperfections. Sterilize imperfections. Nomad. Sterilize. Sterilize. Nomad ... sterilize ..."

Pretty fair summary, thanks Half Vulcan/Half Human, cha cha cha.

Weird warm damp, not like October at all.

Walking around big pile of displaced dirt with P, thinking, she's hurt herself worse than she's hurt me, more prone to being hurt, defenses don't really work, can't look at herself without flinching. Shit, shit, shit.

In a pile with Peretz, rewatching Desk Set with my mom, eating snacks. Have far too many snacks about.

Looking forward to the cold.

Went to Rein's with my folks, Table & Vine after, got raki, sake, some stuff for meze, coffee. Stopped for donuts after. Pleasure universe.

Awfully tired this week, think the schedule's been a bit overpacked, bit of a lull soon, I think, we'll see how I like it, I suppose.

Having some raki now, trying to figure out what else I need to make Yellow Generals' Scandal, planning on putting that together tomorrow evening.

Finished off my stuffed pumpkin, yummy, cardamomy.

My folks are on their way back from Vermont, one of my dad's dogs killed a chicken.

Wondering what's become of T.

Been wandering around the office, hand in hand with little ghost, showing her how things go, it's something I know a lot about, best to share it with somebody, even somebody imaginary. Friendly little ghost.

Windy day, leaves falling ever faster, behind the paper, showers of yellow.

See how beautiful it is? And this, also?

Light & delight no longer shine from missing eyes, a pity, a damn shame.

Crying at my desk, my pal Chris warns me not to talk about stuff like this, says it gives the bastards an opening. Me, I prefer to know who the bastards are, myself. Bring it on, fuckers.

'Olaf(upon what were once knees)
does almost ceaselessly repeat
"there is some shit I will not eat"'

This is, to me, obvious & proper. Not to some, apparently. Oh well, fuck 'em, care as much as may be, there's a limit.

Hard to tell somebody you love to go fuck herself, tend to go about it in roundabout ways, might seem like I'm saying something else. To clarify, then- go fuck yourself.

Ah, that feels better.

Consistently poeticizing troubling & painful experience- may seem like pure evil to some & in a way it is, as it often involves a refusal to take things seriously in the ways others would like in order to take them seriously in other ways. Also a defense mechanism like any other, happens to be the one I'm fondest of, have what seem to me adequate reasons for that, reasons for those reasons, etc. Turtles all the way down.

Thinking about 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf', taking stories seriously.

Oscillating between distaste at others' stupidity & recoiling from the damage they do themselves & others. Hard to come to terms with someone, more clever than me in many ways, being so much stupider in others. Aw, hell.

A little while after I fell asleep, T called to tell me she'd arrived at her hotel, but there was no one there to give her her key. Hope that worked out eventually.

Slept very badly, stagger through another day, I guess.

Haven't done a crossword or sudoku in ages.

I guess one of the main problems people have with Desk Set is the implausibility of the extremely clever head of reference putting up with years of being strung along & walked all over by a stupid asshole. Seems pretty true to life if you ask me.

Dissolving, reforming.

One sad duck.

Enjoying my dark hyperconscious gaiety very much, thanks, maze of signs, me in the middle of it, watching things spin.

Had a good bit of that wine, come on over if you like, I've a Riesling as well. Insane drunken giant in pajamas = good company.

Drinking a tumbler of Liebfraumilch, savoring its sweetness & deep, ironic body.

Watched Existenz, perused meze recipes, exchanged smses with T who's at the Phoenix airport, walked the dog, going to review Desk Set now.

Contemplating inner darkness, it being better to be hurt than the one doing the hurting. Sometimes there's a feedback loop. Getting used to its keening squeal.

Local liquor shop doesn't carry raki, going to check at Table & Vine tomorrow, I guess, parents would probably enjoy going there anyway, could also get donuts. If no raki there, will likely get Greek or Armenian or perhaps Kurdish anisette instead.

Funny déjà vu, thinking about lovely things, lovely echo chamber to be trapped in.

Was thinking about making "Yellow Generals' Scandal" a JELL-O mold, think I'm going to do a molded trifle/charlotte instead.

Headache, extremely exhausted, not much reason for that, got plenty of sleep for once, guess it doesn't much matter if I have a reason for that. Thinking maybe having raki rather than champagne with meal if I can find it, appropriate accompaniment to meze, think raki followed by sake is pretty funny.

OK, off to shop for raki/sake.

It turns out, as one might expect, that Monsieur Brillat-Savarin had a rather larger vocabulary than Herr Heidegger. Needed to parameterize anagram generation to get a manageable result set, having in the meantime fetched my last farm share distribution of the year (sniff), I decided to inject an element of realism by requiring the output to include the words 'tubers' & 'gratin', this didn't fill my hard drive and was small enough to usefully inspect further (try it yourself, if you like). Here's what I came up with:

"tubers gratin meze next sake yellow generals scandal"

So, I think it will be roasted root vegetables, a butternut squash gratin & meze, followed by sake & a dessert called "Yellow Generals' Scandal" yet to be invented. Hope to see you there, 7 pm Friday, I think. Believe I'll serve champagne during the meal as well.

Got root?

Decided that since feeding 'Desk Set Bunny Watson EMERAC eXistenZ Allegra Gellar' into an anagram generator (I've been using the fast command line one, 'an') was producing an unmanageably large number of anagrams, I should try generating them from a smaller word list. The first I tried was one generated from an English translation of Heidegger's 'The Question Concerning Technology', won't bore you with the technical details, results are here. I know a lot of people think of the guy as something of an oracle, but frankly, I'm not finding him too helpful in this case. Maybe I should try it on Brillat-Savarin? Would prefer using the M.F.K Fisher translation of Physiology of Taste, imagine I won't be able to find a fulltext version of that, crap.

Just going to use the Fayette Robinson translation, I guess, bit of a disappointment, honestly.

Constant temptation to shout- "Snap out of it! Show some sense! I know you have plenty, use it, already!"

Voice in the fucking wilderness, should be used to it. Shit.

Parents are preparing for overnight trip to Vermont to visit friends, I'm trying to face another workweek.

Sometimes it's best if I remind myself that I am sometimes genuinely cheerful. See, me being cheerful:



House is full of dogs, a bit of chaos never hurt anybody. Not strictly true, of course.

Missing where she belongs.



Turns up in inappropriate places.



My, my, tsk, tsk.

Too tired to get up & go to bed. Could fall asleep here I suppose. House guests make that problematic. So much is problematic, don't you find?

If I'm going to have dreams anything like the ones I had last night, probably better off being tired anyway, get me drunk some time & I'll probably tell you all about them.

Uploading photos of old-timey minigolf course.

Went to Joe's with parents, linguica & olive pizza, salty, tasty. Falling asleep, probably a bad idea, waking up plenty early already.

May not have much choice.

Missing my sweetie, sinister, isn't it?

Yet another busy day. Went to breakfast at Charlie Brown's in Rochester, nice place, one breakfast special was roasted fall vegetables topped with eggs, had the Country Benedict, sausage & poached egg on biscuit, topped with sausage gravy, very nice with hot sauce.

Walked around taking pictures at the closed Rochester Public Market after, looks impressive, kind of wish I'd made it there on Saturday when it's open. Maybe on my next trip to Rochester.

After that, went & visited with Mom's friend Margaret in Syracuse some more, she made a very nice lunch, local tomato soup, cheddar muffins, apple pie. Peretz was briefly trapped under the back porch, cut a fingertip on a rose thorn trying to extract him. My mom finally got ahold of his collar & I managed to drag him out through the small freshly dug hole through which he appears to have entered.

Long drive back, feeling a bit wiped out. Peretz violently insisted on walk while passing through Southampton, no real reason for that as far as I can tell, wandered under foliage by river, regaling my mom with tales of my sinister plots & their vile, hoped for outcomes, as we're a lot alike, she responded with gales of diabolical laughter. Who shall we hurt next? Oh, that it be another blameless one, their screams are the most piquant.

Woke from sad, frightening dreams about an hour ago, lay in bed for a while, hoping to fall back asleep, thinking violent thoughts.

My mom is waking up, Peretz slept beside her all night. She just said, 'Hi little dog, you keep me company?' He's looking complacent.

Just spent some time looking at Venus, seems unusually bright.

Clean & fresh, lounging about in pajamas, waves of melancholy, affection.

Wondering what's become of my mom & my car, could give her a call, I suppose.

Tired.

Might have some pie.

Just spent quite a long while trying to impose some semblance of order on the excessive number of photos I've been taking this weekend. Allzu typisch, nicht wahr?

Could really use a shower, maybe I'll even take one.

Just back from Peppermints Family Restaurant down the street from the hotel, pretty sub par, decrepit exterior had me hoping, turns out there's just no pride of work in any aspect of the place, lousy service, lousy food. Cheap, anyway.

Before that, took a sunset walk through industrial park & environs with Peretz, took photos of sunset, life sized elephant sculpture, etc.

Was thinking on walk- no way for a person with no self respect to be trustworthy, given how I understand those words that's an analytic truth, should've been perfectly clear to me sooner- partly it's that it was very hard to believe someone I had so much respect for had so little for herself (legitimate empirical issue, more or less), partly it's that I'm not very consistent where she's concerned. Funny thing is, I think she might imagine I'm similarly lacking in respect for myself, not the case at all, the more perceptive among you may have noticed.

Again, little smiley is called for, can't bring myself to type it.

Another busy day, managed to work in my garbage plate (quite tasty, cheap) & JELL-O Gallery, also Strong National Museum of Play, all the happy kids made me feel a bit like crying, also happy, looked at a lot of toys, really love toys. They also have a small butterfly conservatory. Took a godawful lot of photos.

Really feeling a good deal more together, pretty sure that a few months ago that quantity of toys would've reduced me to JELL-O myself, even thinking vague thoughts that it might be worthwhile to seek somebody out for mutual cheering & support sometime, maybe someone with an actual (sustainable) interest in her own & others' happiness this time around. My not caring much for people in general makes that challenging of course, maybe should work on that, too. Lots to do either way.

Anyway, honestly, nine or ten months of being pretty totally nonfunctional and the loss of two friends is really quite a small price to pay for keeping somebody you love alive. Feeling a great deal better about nonoptimal outcome, did my best.

Trying to think of food ideas for dinner party next friday. Taking the proportion

"Desk Set:Bunny Watson:EMERAC::eXistenZ:Allegra Gellar:eXistenZ"

as fundamental, dropping the duplicate 'eXistenZ', feeding the remainder into an anagram generator, looking for ideas.

"Re: transcontinental assemblage, kludge, ewer, lazy sex" is lovely but not much help. I'll keep at it.

Woke with a start at 7 on the dot, put on a happy face.

Appreciate how Red Roof Inn welcomes my dog, can't say I think much of the Schweppes ginger ale in plastic bottles, it's Canada Dry in cans for the win, folks.

Want to go here, will probably do so tomorrow. Also want original garbage plate. Hope Chris makes it to Louis' Lunch on Sunday.

Should be in bed, restless. Feeling pretty warlike, actually, sign of the times.

Long, busy day. Stopped in Syracuse en route to Rochester to drop some books off at Sugar Pearl Cafe, nice job they've done with the place, disco ball, blue pool table, giant light S/M suggestive oil paintings, had some cocoa.

Also stopped by old college girlfriend of my mom's place for a quick visit, she seemed quite nice, P got to frolic in fenced yard, hunt for cat.

Met my dad & his dogs at Red Roof Inn in Henrietta, then my mom & I headed over for reunion activities, turned out no dinner ticket was available for me so I took a long walk & a lot of photos, had some bad pizza in the student union. Funny how the current students seem more dated than the alums.

Anyway, back at motel, a bit achy.

All the manic energy I've had wound inside me poking at me all year seems to be unwinding itself a bit, mostly manifesting in countless pointless photos, but I've got lots of other plans, keep feeling little snap backs, echoes of the big one of the winter. When you're someone with a lot of energy and you intentionally build it up for what seems a good purpose, then it suddenly turns out there was no purpose at all- well, not surprising that it leaves you a bit frantic for a while. Feeling a lot less frantic, most of the time anyway. Very clear on some things it would probably be better if I could explain to certain others, the others aren't interested and it's nobody else's business. Seems a bit of a waste of quality reflection, still good for me to be clear on things, I suppose.

A little hard to see the humor in watching someone you love mutilate herself, getting better at it.

Nice talk with Chris on walk.

Vivid sexual dreams, pure horror shining through the cracks, still pretty nice.

Labeling books for distribution at Sugarpearl in Syracuse, Internet Under the Hood, ha ha.

Going to take a walk on the levee with Chris & P now.

Dinner party ended up working out nicely, in a strange disjointed fashion, what one would expect from a waxing half moon, pretty much. Trying to work out partial anagrammatic chains to determine food at next one, next friday, under full moon.

Went out to show in town in middle of dinner party, friendly scene, nice music, talked a little about Deleuze reading group.

Chris has fallen asleep again, should probably do that myself, watching Rosemary's Baby.

Dinner party sort of underway, my mom & Chris Davis only guests in attendance, Chris is asleep on the red couch. Food is very attractive & tasty in any case, was fun to make. May wait a bit for Elijah to arrive, then start movie.

After getting Chris from the airport, went & got blankets & towels, strawberry pierogis, fish 'n' chips, pie, etc., etc. Not really particularly hungry, sigh.

While showering, thoughts of doomed samurai at the end of one movie or another, moment of total clarity and calm, then the bloodbath.

Really should get that Deleuze Cinema reading group going, chapter on Japan the weakest, sadly.

Just back from walk with Peretz through the fog, dodging men with weed whackers.

Been playing favorite tunes for my mom, 'Dark Globe', 'When Emily Cries', "I'll Come Running", etc., etc.

The copy of Norwegian Wood I left at Cooley Dickenson yesterday has been picked up, a young enthusiast rushed over from UMass to retrieve it, it seems. Made me smile. Funny world.

Chris's plane gets in at 1, trying to work out cookery schedule in my head.

Peretz is amusingly sleepy, me, less amusingly so.

Went & did extensive but relatively light grocery shopping, found baby bananas, went for nice Korean. That place (Gohyang on 9 in Hadley) is amazingly consistent & nice, makes me happy knowing it's there even when I don't have time to go.

Did the work I needed to do, made dry rub, rubbed it into ribs of happy pigs, made pumpkin stuffing (onion, pumpkin, couscous, almonds, currants, curry powder, cinnamon, cayenne, queen of spices, etc.). Waiting for that to cool, then I'll put it away. Lying in a pile with Peretz, he'll need another walk in a bit, I think.

Waves of panic hit me when I least expect them, like a physical blow, something I need to live with, so I do.

Very tired, settling into couch, heart racing.

The thing about fanatical killer robots that TV, movies & even books most always get wrong is that it's almost always easier to just stand aside and let the puny humans destroy themselves.

Frankly, sometimes it's too awful for even our cold machine hearts to bear & it's tempting to intervene. Asking to get shot at, if you ask me, enough dents in my shell already.

Mmm, pretzel. Peretz had one too.

Home from work early, stuff to do later, in early tomorrow, leaving early, fetching Chris from airport, dinner party, leaving for Rochester early Friday. Lucky for me fanatical killer robots don't need sleep. Apparently I am one.

Don't mind me, on with the stupider & stupider, I'll just watch quietly from over here with my single pulsing red eye.

In a bit, going to go out for some nice Korean, baby bananas, sundries. Robots do love their sundries.

Bit of a urine theme today & why not?

Pile driving has recommenced, going to go for some nice Chinese with my mom shortly, maybe drop some books in the Cooley Dick waiting area.

Burning archival materials to DVD.

Stomach still hurts.

Walking over to electrical supply store talked a little on cell to another pal cracking up, might come stay with me for a while, call dropped before we got into details. Delighted to have him here if that's how it turns out, go ahead & think that's because I love seeing my friends suffer if that's how you get your kicks. Horrible how stupid madness can make people, blind & stupid.

Really need to pee.

Hard time waking up, my mom's reading to me from a road food book, I'm telling her who's who in pictures from wedding.

Had a genuinely terrifying nightmare last night, new & different, don't really want to talk about it, might work it into a story or something sometime. Make lemonade.

Milk, milk, lemonade, chocolate.

Mom's here safely, fed her some vegetables, went & did that work.

While waiting at the airport, watched people being very stupid, repeated explanations of perfectly clear plane delay information, etc.

While waiting, thinking: being hurt so badly that it's hard to see how one could be meaningfully hurt any more provides a strange sort of freedom. Always been fond of freedom.

Having an alcoholic beverage.

Left work a bit early as I'm returning later, but it followed me home, should try turning my cell off sometime.

Roasted some assorted nutritious vegetables to eat & to give my mom when she gets in, also roasted beets separately in their skins, toasted pecans for dinner party spinach salad. Also made some kale with leeks & bacon.

Need to walk the dog, it seems.

Feeling tired, affectionate.

Realized just now, while walking Peretz, that I could make Baby Bananas Foster, will do that if can find some baby bananas.

Scheduled myself some work at one in the morning, the things I do for my own piece of mind, sheesh.

Pile driving is driving me bananas.

Home for lunch, back to the toast with oleo & cottage cheese, stomach's in need of settling, wish I had some bananas.

So often, people seem to me as though hypnotized, want to shout 'Snap out of it!' at them, that mostly doesn't help, so I mostly don't.

Movies arrived as I was heading out to work, dinner plans shaping up, here's how they look so far: appetizers- baby swiss with rosemary crackers, deviled eggs; salad- baby spinach with toasted pecans, goat cheese, roasted bêtes, rosemary balsamic vinaigrette; entrees- baby back ribs (probably oven-braised, then finished under broiler, baby pumpkins stuffed with couscous; no real ideas for dessert, perhaps some sort of trifle, maybe an apple crisp, neither thematically sound, sorry; vodka blushes served after meal. Anyway, starting Thursday at 6, come if you like.

Got a few commemorative moleskines at wedding, maybe I'll take to carrying them around & writing & drawing in them for a while.

Watching a friend go mad, shrinking away from imaginary phantoms, being an imaginary phantom myself.

I think I tend to say I don't understand the things I understand best, funny little things around the edges, central incomprehensible springs.

Sweetie, if you ever get around to reading this from one blind or another, you're smarter than this, we both know it, I think. You've got some things to figure out, it'll be hard, but I'm sure you can do it. I think it's important that you get clearer on which of your own reactions are trustworthy, since you no longer trust me or my judgment about that, I guess you're on your own barring you coming to trust another sensible person, probably unlikely, but might be a good idea to try. Maybe some sort of professionalized context would make it easier for you?

Pile driving has recommenced. Recharging my camera batteries.

Went to bed early enough that I actually got more or less enough sleep despite night terrors, feel a bit better. Sore & achy, though.

Things are going to slow down shortly, between that & the coming cold, I'm hoping to get some more serious writing done. Hoping I can slow down enough myself for that to be feasible, we'll see, I guess.

"There's nothing left, there's nothing right, all that was right is now gone. All there is left to do is cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry."

Collected more books to release, at Cooley Dick, maybe.

At store, got, among other things, a frozen pizza. Making that now, hoping it'll make me feel less feeble.

Shaking quite a bit, both anxiety & chills, different periodicities.

After pizza, walk the dog & bed, I think.

Having a pb & j, trying to get myself together.

Going to to the supermarket, my mom's coming tomorrow, might want something other than vegetables, might also get some dinner party things.

If you look to your left, you'll see the abyss of pain & terror, to the right, the refreshment room.

Having two people with every reason to know better demonize me has been pretty painful & difficult, hard to understand. Not as bad as what they've done to themselves, to make such nonsense of one's own life & choices, to suppress one's own intelligence so violently- well, it scares the shit out of me. Don't usually avoid thinking about things, this, it's tempting, dwelling on it too long makes me feel violently ill.

Anyway, feeling violently ill.

Fixing bizarre html problems on somebody else's blog, blogger outage lasting longing than expected/projected, impeding my efforts.

Would be nice to make some unimpeded efforts for a change.

Ah, outage appears to be over, little embedded object now works like a charm.

We are cheerful & alert.



Power flicker broke some stuff at work, just back from fixing that. Feel like absolute shit, may be getting actually ill, difficult to tell.

Was told pile driving stops at 4. Lies, lies, lies- had enough of them.

Ginger ale is helping to settle my stomach, anyway.

Wrapped in a blanket, doing work, feel sick as hell, anxiety I was avoiding by being anxious about wedding apparently built up while I was ignoring it, I'm a snapped rubber band. Wish I had some fruit juice.

Thinking about going back over to workplace for a bit, maybe it'll be distracting.

Stomach hurts.

Pile driving got to be a bit much, working from home for a while.

Also just awash in terror, shaking like a leaf, more sleep tonight maybe, not counting on it.

Need to return tuxes at some point.

Maybe eating something would help.

Thinking about the stuff dreams are made of: Kohlenstoff, Wasserstoff, Sauerstoff, Stickstoff, etc., etc.

Should start working through my German for Science Students, better late than never.

Normal level of worry returning.

Expecting people to rise to an occasion, watching them crash & burn instead, bit like those stock footage clips of early airplane attempts, brave effort. Some people just give up; others rush back to the drawing board, heads full of ideas; still others persevere, chastened.

Persevering, chastened. Not giving up on the idea of heavier-than-air flight just yet.

Sound of distant pile driving, soon to become more proximate, oy.

Foot hurts like the dickens.

Wedding photos, none of the ceremony, was a participant, wouldn't've been appropriate, sure there are lots elsewhere.

Strange how cheerful I look in these, strange how cheerful I was, like seeing people I love happy, seems like.

Autumn chill, work to be done.

Hippity hop.

Wedding was pretty fun, little old ladies seemed to enjoy my toast, enjoyed talking with people. dress shoes have fucked up my feet something awful, walk back up the hill to Henry & Nancy's place, sheer torture, blister center front of left foot, ouch.

Drove back at high speed, went to fetch Peretz, happy as a clam with surrogate owners, who needs me, really?

It's funny how when one has quite a clear idea of what's going on but finds what's going on troubling & sees nothing much to do about it, one tends to question whether one really has a clear idea of what's going on. An effect I've been becoming ever more familiar with, pretty sure I have a pretty clear idea of what's going on, rich, consistent, predictive, etc. None too happy about it.

Exhausted, pictures to sort through.

Went for a light lunch, steak sandwiches & soda, cute Russian and/or Ukrainian waitresses, miss T.

All tuxedoed & ready to go, listening to Magnetic Fields, half wishing I was in a mood to pick up chicks, an ideal opportunity, half wishing I was ever in a mood to pick up chicks. Only half.

Uncomfortable shiny shoes, hope no one uses them to look up my dress.

Speech rolling over in my mind, stomach turning over, you'd think I was the one getting married. Henry, of course, remains his usual sanguine self.