Eating tasty bagels from down the street, more coffee, listening to Buzzcocks, Love. Drifts, layers, a snowbound land year round, blindingly bright, probably best if you look away.

Ice Princess Nico's on now, so good to be back home again.

Henry's got to go for a shave & a haircut in a few, I'm supposed to prevent the creation of a razor line, we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, another bagel, slip on blinding orange hoodie & we're on the jump.

Fell asleep on the couch, watching anime, one might almost think I was at home.

Feeling a bit dehydrated, too much to drink yesterday, I imagine.

Listening to T. Rex.

Kept waking with starts during the night, nervous about being away, silly, pointless.

Spent sunset alongside the Heinrich Heine Memorial Fountain, Dusseldorf wouldn't take it, we're happier here, thanks.

Ich weiß nicht, was soll es bedeuten
Daß ich so traurig bin;
Ein Märchen aus alten Zeiten
Das kommt mir nicht aus dem Sinn.

Die Luft ist kühl und es dunkelt,
Und ruhig fließt der Rhein;
Der Gipfel des Berges funkelt
Im Abendsonnenschein.

Die schönste Jungfrau sitzet
Dort oben wunderbar,
Ihr gold'nes Geschmeide blitzet
Sie kämmt ihr gold'nes Haar.

Sie kämmt es mit gold'nem Kamme
Und singt ein Lied dabei;
Das hat eine wundersame
Gewaltige Melodei.

Den Schiffer im kleinen Schiffe
ergreift es mit wildem Weh,
Er schaut nicht die Felsenriffe,
Er schaut nur hinauf in die Höh'.

Ich glaube, die Wellen verschlingen
Am Ende Schiffer und Kahn;
Und das hat mit ihrem Singen
Die Lorelei getan.

To reiterate, go fuck yourself, Dusseldorf.

Busy afternoon/evening, went down to the South Bronx to the building where Henry grew up to visit his grandma, lovely, animated lady, lots of interesting clutter in her apartment. Was taking pictures in the building & several tenants thought I was a building inspector, apparently there were a lot of complaints made yesterday as the building owners didn't turn on the heat despite it being quite cold.

After that, went to some sort of pre-wedding dinner function at a restaurant near here with Nancy's family, family friends, etc. Got put at the kids' end of the table, probably happier there. Ran a bit long, suppose those sorts of things do that.

Fun riding around on buses, subway.

Safe at Henry's drinking some of the fancy scotch I brought him. Drive down was surprisingly easy.

Peretz seemed a bit nervous in strange apartment, hung out with him longer than planned, had longish chat with Jess about serious matters, started my drive out crying.

Used lever, proven under wide variety of heavy loads, recently broken under extraordinary circumstances, professionally repaired, stronger than ever, available cheap.

Getting ready to go, all packed, coffee & cider donuts. Need to take the dog for another walk, load car, perform idiot check, sit ritualistically for a moment then go.

Things that one takes seriously deserve sustained thought & attention whether they go pleasantly or no.

Thinking about blind spots, the unthinkable, the unthought. The real, in other words.

Donuts are quite good.

Bitingly cold, perfectly clear but for a luminous fog piled upon the river.

Things to do.

Show was strangely fun, big boomy room, learned that a bunch of people I didn't know liked Wodehouse do.

Cold night, sky clearer than it's been in ages, no haze, makes me wish I was in the mountains, makes me wish people would learn to not point lights at the sky.

Feeling nervous about wedding, sort of nice to feel nervous about something not at all serious, haven't had much time or energy for that lately. Can manage it for this because it's such an odd thing for me to be doing, I imagine.

Finally got around to going over server logs, smell of burning plastic drifting in through the open window.

Prepared some more books to release at show later, nice to have hobbies.

Evening of bad scifi TV, noise music, what could be better?

Hell.

Shower, more coffee, fresh as a highly caffeinated daisy.

If you have two people who care very deeply about you, and you, or a pathological process at work in you, wish(es) to set them at odds, one way to go about it is to convince each in turn that you desperately need protecting from the other.

This might not work quite as planned if either of the other people is clever enough to realize that the only person a person who would do something like that really needs protecting from is herself.

Honestly, dear- what in fuck's name were you thinking? I know most all the plots & weave subtler dialectics half awake over my morning coffee. Trapped in a crude melodrama, where's the witty repartee in that? And lacking that, where's the point?

Pleasant cool breezes.

Sad.

Ardinghello excerpt pretty promising, centers around abduction of women from wedding party by pirates, lengthy reassurances about women's virtue being intact after rescue.

Part of narrator's description of extemporaneous song he performed at party:

"The son of Thetis now beams through all posterity because he had Homer for his bard: but how much greater were Columbus and Doria? And how far can the fruit of your love exceed him in deeds more noble than running around the walls of Troy three times on account of a withered, eloped wife of a man whom nature destined to be a cuckold and who was neither his ally nor his friend, and thereupon stabbing the weary enemy in the throat! Than making a dreadful fuss on account of a rebuffed priest, and then, on top of that, patiently handing over his beloved and sitting down at the sea and crying!"

Fat Worm/Wolf Eyes show at Hampshire Dining Commons later, should try to find a way to wake up by then.

Chill sun has come out, crisp breezes, a bit nippy all around.

Just had a Columbo Crunch cookie.

My collection of 18th C. German Prose arrived, going to read the Ardinghello excerpt, see if I think it's worth learning German over.

Sad.

Went & released my books, restocked on local soda, went by Randall's Farm after hoping to check out their corn maze, turns out it's only open weekends, bummer. Took a bunch of photos anyway, got questioned again about why I was doing that, in a friendly way this time, also questioned about provenance of tortoise pin.

Skies are dramatic & unreal, tried to take some photos of them while driving back (probably not the safest activity, well, so what?), don't really capture the drama.

Just had a Randall's cider donut, tasty, strong-flavored.

Handwriting notes in the books I'm going to release later was tiresome, so I spent the morning designing an Ex Libris. Feel free to use it if you'd like.

Feeling a bit of a wreck, wedding festivities should be strange.

Learning to take care of myself again, bit by bit.

Can't remember the last time it rained this hard, it was a dry summer.

Saw a bookcrossing.com sign at Chip Shop earlier, but no crossed books, have therefore prepared some & will leave them there tomorrow. Thunder & lightning, looks like rain tomorrow too, kind of wanted to go get lost in a corn maze.

Panic has settled down, hangover-like aftereffects, should probably eat something. Vanilla ice cream with coffee syrup, perhaps.

Real downpour has started, little flecks of water coming through the window, should probably get up & close it.

Went & took care of some things at work, decided that it's too rainy & dreary and that I'm too anxious & sad to go on DVD shopping excursion, have ordered required DVDs in an expedited fashion instead, the temptations of money & power.

Peretz is licking my calf, affectionate pup, insightful too. Now he's licking my pants.

Was going to watch Bringing Up Baby, but my tape of it self-destructed. Hmm. Could take it as a sign, I suppose.

Been wanting a DVD copy anyway. Maybe a trip to Target or someplace?

A light rain is falling.

Made some cocoa, first of the season, sipping that, trying to convince myself that things will be OK.

Not a very convincing liar, but it's the thought that counts.

Went & fetched formal wear, did some more wedding gift shopping after, also got baby swiss, rosemary crackers, rosemary balsamic vinaigrette. Also stopped by Tramore Chip Shop, got 2 hot dog combo, best hot dogs in the area in my opinion.

Was falling apart a bit on the drive home, to be expected, I suppose. Very twitchy. Maybe TV would help?

Working from home for a bit, not really fit for public consumption at the moment.

Could somebody figure out a way to make it stop? Please?

Sitting at my desk crying, should probably just go home.

Fresh & clean, was going to scent myself with oil of honeysuckle in defiance of the returned autumn chill, my bottle of that has gone missing. No big deal, more than one way to be defiant.

"And Azâzêl taught men to make swords, and knives, and shields, and breastplates, and made known to them the metals of the earth and the art of working them, and bracelets, and ornaments, and the use of antimony, and the beautifying of the eyelids, and all kinds of costly stones, and all colouring tinctures. And there arose much godlessness, and they committed fornication, and they were led astray, and became corrupt in all their ways. Semjâzâ taught enchantments, and root-cuttings, Armârôs the resolving of enchantments, Barâqîjâl, taught astrology, Kôkabêl the constellations, Ezêqêêl the knowledge of the clouds, Araqiêl the signs of the earth, Shamsiêl the signs of the sun, and Sariêl the course of the moon."

Good old Semjâzâ. Really, it's pretty great out here in the desert with these folks, learning all sorts of stuff. Also enjoying the fornication & godlessness.

Slow morning, reading, coffee. Dog's getting impatient, he's already committed all the Apocrypha to memory, offering to recite from them for me if I'll just get with the walkies. OK, OK.

Spent some time taking very close up photos of my face.

After that, took a walk with Peretz, mysterious cool dark damp. Skunk waiting for us in the wet grass under the porch light next door on our return home, looked at us curiously, then ran away. Oftentimes the spirits are friendly but afraid.

Bangers & mash, revised & amended:



Quite lovely, not a patch on you, dears.

Root vegetables are roasting. Prepping them is a very satisfying practice, peeling, chopping up, interesting variations in skin and flesh. Carrots, beets, parsnips, rutabagas, celeriacs, yams- all beautiful, all different. Strange family resemblances.

Was reading a bit of Goethe on plant morphology earlier, some pretty funny comments on roots. "What was I to do with a formation of filaments, fibers, bulbs, and tubers; one so limited as to yield only an unpleasant assortment, an endless variety with never an intensification?" Even geniuses go astray from time to time, I guess, and why not? Probably does them a world of good.

Exhaustion/panic episode of the afternoon seems to be waning, find myself wishing it were possible for me to be kinder to others. Sadly, pretty sure it's not, lots of reasons for that, some of them even sound ones.

Walk to town, got cash, a burrito, did a little shopping for wedding gifts.

Sinking into the couch, heavy weight on my chest, a little hard to breathe. Try to look on the bright side, maybe someday somebody will require an extensive explanation of the word 'worry'.

I find that usually when people think I'm lying or talking nonsense it's because they're suffering from a lack of imagination. Occasionally, I'm actually lying or talking nonsense, but never about anything serious, unless I'm trying to be funny, of course.

The world keeps slipping away, then I look around & it's back.

Done with work for the moment, finishing off my soup, may make more roasted vegetables later, maybe straight up roots this time, have quite a wide variety, broil more chorizo to go with that, I think.

The quasi-half days I've been working this week have been being more tiring than normal work days, try to squeeze everything normal in, there's been all this moving, etc. Anyway, come out of there feeling pretty addled.

Feet are damp, should buy some new shoes.

Back from walk with Peretz through cold misty rain.

Picture this: two people see neither themselves nor each other as responsible for their own actions, blame all that goes wrong on a third person. As that third person, I have no major problems with this, lacking belief in god or state, what and who one chooses to be responsible for and to is a matter of personal choice. Perfectly willing to be held responsible for more than I am if it helps.

Anyway, I wouldn't have any problems with that if that were the whole picture. It's more complicated than that, of course. One of the other people seems genuinely unaware of having made any choices at all, the other, I'm quite sure, has some concerns about having made bad ones regarding her responsibilities, reintroducing the notion of responsibility at a metalevel.

All very disturbing, but no longer my problem.

Thinking about being the goat.

Plenty of goatiness to go around, of course- stubborn, affectionate, with horns; capricious, gentle, strange-eyed; diabolical, agile, wild with lust. Suppose that for the game to go on, the needle needs to come to rest somewhere.

Anyway, not half bad out here in the desert with Azazel, feel sorrier for the ones back at the encampment, frankly, don't know what they're in for.

Thinking about the ambiguity of 'reification'. Compare 'hypostasis'.

Reading about fallacies of ambiguity, not really fallacies at all, strictly speaking.

'My master through his art foresees the danger that you, his friend, are in; and sends me forth— for else his project dies— to keep them living. While you here do snoring lie, open-eyed conspiracy his time doth take. If of life you keep a care, shake off slumber, and beware: awake, awake!'

Breeze through the window, communing with spirits of air.

10/10, has me thinking about 11/11, dreams of war, woke up a bit earlier than normal thankfully. Childhood preoccupation with analog odometers.

Was talking to a colleague last night about my childhood preoccupation with aftereffects of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings, Vietnam war atrocities, etc. The effects on my attitude to our government, government in general, have been pretty far reaching. Never been very good at understanding how people manage to push this stuff out of their minds, it seems very basic to how things are now.

Will maybe watch Grave of the Fireflies later.

Cold, gray morning, wishing for first snow.

Cinnamon roll, cup of tea, Nico.

Feeling pretty tired, feels nice.

Close my eyes & see whirling forms, quite beautiful, complex.

Got word from T that she successfully made Trader Joe's orange chicken she likes and that everyone enjoyed it, made me smile.

Farm share is wrapping up on the 22nd, looking forward to more junk food, pizza, malteds come November. Stalking cold streets with burrito, etc.

Tried to get more video of P dreaming a while ago but camera beep woke him.

"Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit..."

So Tully says anyway, maybe he didn't get out much?

Went to Outlook, got baby back ribs for dinner party, assorted sausages, bacon ends.

Driving back down the twisting country roads of my home, under gray ominous skies, thinking thoughts. Rain later.

As I was entering town, 'See Emily Play' came on the radio.

"Emily tries but misunderstands
She's often inclined to borrow somebody's dreams till tomorrow
There is no other day
Let's try it another way
You'll lose your mind and play
Free games for May
See Emily play
Soon after dark Emily cries
Gazing through trees in sorrow hardly a sound till tomorrow
There is no other day
Let's try it another way
You'll lose your mind and play
Free games for May
See Emily play
Put on a gown that touches the ground
Float on a river forever and ever, Emily
There is no other day
Let's try it another way
You'll lose your mind and play
Free games for May
See Emily play"

Crying like a baby.

Shaved, took P for a walk, spent that thinking about continuities between contemporary discourses on public health and cultures of dependency and the eugenics movement. Funny how people thinking about the problems of the lower orders so rarely turn their attention to their primary problem, the people who exploit and oppress them. Imagine it's a problem they'll solve for themselves given time.

The Robot Brains is pretty great so far, partially set at a traveling fair.

"A lady at the back of the tent whispered to her neighbor, 'I don't like the look of them at all!'

Indeed, there was something forbidding in the aspect of the Brains; their intelligence seemed devoid of all humanity.

At last, a schoolboy broke the silence to ask:

'Is space really empty?'

'No,' the Brain in the center answered dispassionately. 'Space is only relatively empty. There are great quantities of dust and gases between the stars. Also many types of radiation.'

His manner was condescending, almost a sneer.

'When was Cleopatra's Needle brought to London?'

'In the year eighteen seventy-eight Anno Domini.'

The audience began to warm up, and questions flowed faster.

'Is the sea-horse a fish?'

'What is the capital of Pakistan?'

Each Brain in his turn answering the questions, but the manner of all three remained cold and distant.

'Who wrote The Count of Monte Cristo?'

'How can I stop woodworm?'

'Are there such things as ghosts?'

'Who killed Cock Robin?'"

Going to take a break from it, go stock up on local pork products.

Started reading that collection of Goethe's scientific studies I bought last week.

"The mind may perceive the seed, so to speak, of a relation which would have a harmony beyond the mind's power to comprehend or experience once the relation is fully developed."

I got sidetracked into a little bibliographic research by a comment on Heinse's Ardinghello which made it sound like something I might enjoy ("I found the former author offensive because he attempted through the fine arts to ennoble and defend sensuality and an abstruse way of thinking"). No full English translations seem readily available, but it's excerpted in a collection of translations of 18th Century German prose which I've ordered from Lorem Ipsum Books in Cambridge (a dollar for the book, four dollars shipping). Should really find some time to work on my German.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

This space intentionally left blank.

Think I may have read enough of the heady stuff for the moment, may move on to Sydney J. Bounds's The Robot Brains, jacket blurb is promising, anyway:

"BRAINS WITHOUT SOUL

Giant blonde creatures, they were as curvaceous as the bodies of their dwarf men were shriveled.

Captain Christian was the only human who'd ever laid eyes on them. And now he wished he hadn't. They were beauty without heart. Cruel, cold.

And he was their prisoner."

Just back from more work in Amherst, went & got some pizza & took some more pictures after. Some more to do, going to do it from home. Should really be working half days all week, not really managing it.

Walking around in Amherst thinking about the oft-cited equivalence of interpretation & prophecy, neglecting the time element. Signs & portents. Most devious maze ever constructed is a straight line.

Thinking about how easily one could confuse introversion with narcissism.

All coiled up.

Gordian knot:Ciphered name of Dionysus::Ariadne's thread:Minotaur.

"Inspir'd with hope, the project they pursue;
On ev'ry altar sacrifice renew:
A chosen ewe of two years old they pay
To Ceres, Bacchus, and the God of Day;
Preferring Juno's pow'r, for Juno ties
The nuptial knot and makes the marriage joys.
The beauteous queen before her altar stands,
And holds the golden goblet in her hands.
A milk-white heifer she with flow'rs adorns,
And pours the ruddy wine betwixt her horns;
And, while the priests with pray'r the gods invoke,
She feeds their altars with Sabaean smoke,
With hourly care the sacrifice renews,
And anxiously the panting entrails views.
What priestly rites, alas! what pious art,
What vows avail to cure a bleeding heart!
A gentle fire she feeds within her veins,
Where the soft god secure in silence reigns.
Sick with desire, and seeking him she loves,
From street to street the raving Dido roves.
So when the watchful shepherd, from the blind,
Wounds with a random shaft the careless hind,
Distracted with her pain she flies the woods,
Bounds o'er the lawn, and seeks the silent floods,
With fruitless care; for still the fatal dart
Sticks in her side, and rankles in her heart."

So often these days, one finds oneself proceeding by collage, one way to stay methodical while chopped to bits, packet switching, virtual circuits.

"If we put all together, that the school-boy rehearses, that the crowd relates, and that the philosopher demonstrates about spirits, this would seem to constitute no small part of our knowledge. Nevertheless, I dare assert that all these smatterers could be placed in a most awkward embarrassment, if it should occur to somebody to insist upon the question, just what kind of a thing that is about which these people think they understand so much. The methodical talk of learned institutions is often simply an agreement to beg a question which is difficult to solve, by the variable meaning of words. For we seldom hear at academies the comfortable and ofttimes reasonable " I do not know." Certain newer philosophers, as they like to be called, overcome this question easily. A spirit, they say, is a being possessed of reason. Then it is no miracle to see spirits ; for he who sees men, sees beings possessing reason. But, they continue, this being in man, possessing reason, is only a part of man, and this part, the animating part, is a spirit. Very well then. Before you prove that only a spiritual being can have reason, take care that first of all I understand what kind of conception I must have of a spiritual being. Self-deception in this matter, while large enough to be seen with eyes half-open, is moreover of very evident origin. For, later on and in old age, we are sure to know nothing of that which was very well known to us at an early date, as children, and the man of thoroughness finally becomes at best a sophist in regard to his youthful delusions."

That one might have a natural voice, or a natural self, to which one would always in the end return, groundless, romantic speculation.

From time to time rather enjoy being groundless & romantic.

That culture, cultivation & the like are, as applied to humans, notions foisted off on us by swooning Romantics, is I suppose, not all that generally known, rather heavily operationalized at this point in one way or another, prefer winding my way back down to the root myself, contemplating our kinship with plants.

Dreamt again, last night, of giant ferns & dragonflies.

Back to crisp fall weather, crisp fall me, rustling like a sheaf of papers, shaken.

Addison, in the Spectator of July 6, 1711, wrote, of ghosts:

"I should not have been thus particular upon these ridiculous Horrours, did I not find them so very much prevail in all Parts of the Country. At the same time I think a Person who is thus terrify'd with the Imagination of Ghosts and Spectres much more reasonable than one who, contrary to the Reports of all Historians sacred and prophane, ancient and modern, and to the Traditions of all Nations, thinks the Appearance of Spirits fabulous and groundless: Could not I give myself up to this general Testimony of Mankind, I should to the Relations of particular Persons who are now living, and whom I cannot distrust in other Matters of Fact. I might here add, that not only the Historians, to whom we may join the Poets, but likewise the Philosophers of Antiquity have favoured this Opinion. Lucretius himself, though by the Course of his Philosophy he was obliged to maintain that the Soul did not exist separate from the Body, makes no Doubt of the Reality of Apparitions, and that Men have often appeared after their Death. This I think very remarkable; he was so pressed with the Matter of Fact which he could not have the Confidence to deny, that he was forced to account for it by one of the most absurd unphilosophical Notions that was ever started. He tells us, That the Surfaces of all Bodies are perpetually flying off from their respective Bodies, one after another; and that these Surfaces or thin Cases that included each other whilst they were joined in the Body like the Coats of an Onion, are sometimes seen entire when they are separated from it; by which means we often behold the Shapes and Shadows of Persons who are either dead or absent."

Scotch on the rocks in brand new glass, pajamas, working on oneness with cosmos.

Thinking about Yojimbo, Red Harvest, how much havoc can one man wreak?

Called into work again, this time a stupid little image processing process up & died, easy to fix, annoying anyway.

Had some more soup, bread & butter. Putting me to sleep.

P's eating now, going to walk him after, then collapse for the evening, I think.

Keep thinking about other me, other a lot like me anyway, out there, very sick. Makes me sad & worried.

Bizarrely muggy out, thick haze over the hills, dramatic sunset clouds on the drive back from the airport, was wishing I had my camera, probably best if I don't try to photograph absolutely everything I'd like to.

Thinking while driving about the difficulty of being a pretty profoundly monogamous person in the situation in which I find myself. Not complaining, it's largely a matter of choice, like myself better that way, feel more like myself, more important to me than feeling happy & contented.

Also thinking about people's ambivalences about human physicality, a lot of variation in that, mine tends to run along the lines of reveling in it while finding it extremely awkward, different from a lot of people in that there's really no element of disgust & very little fear.

Nearly drifted off after writing the previous paragraph, need to walk the dog.

Listening to the 'Gerty Farish Bulks Up' ep, haven't listened to it in ages, that 'All Fucked Up' song is something else.

Had to go fetch my brother from the Springfield bus station, it turns out, stopped by Kittredge & picked up some highball glasses & a juicer. Anyway, brought him home, fed him soup & pie.

Farm share fall bounty continues unabated, may end up needing to give stuff away again, especially as I'm going out of town over the weekend. Thinking about making stuffed pumpkins of some kind.

Profoundly exhausted, need to take Aaron to Bradley soon, maybe I'll warm myself up some coffee.

Just got a call from my mom, informing me that her former teacher, Oliver Smithies, had been awarded the Nobel Prize in medicine. Nice to hear about it, he always seemed like a very sweet man. More sweetness & light, please.

On walk with P, thinking more about horrors in the Congo, how people tend to respond with talk of international law and human rights. To me, it's a bit like putting a band aid where the wall between some little girl's vagina and anus used to be, pretties it up a bit, but no damn use. Funny how even people rightly suspicious of solving domestic social problems through the justice system, blithely trot out international law in the face of stuff like this, fantasy of a world legal system somehow lacking the defects of every legal system ever implemented. We're living through the most brutal time in the world's history, at least in terms of sheer volume of brutality, our civilization is the driving force behind this, we need to start distrusting our civilized responses and thinking of practical solutions. The problem here is that bands of psychopaths form and rape, torture & butcher people, to me trying to figure out how to interfere with the formation of such bands seems most practical. How to go about this remains something of an open question.

Coffee, shower, pieces slowly drifting into place.

Believe I've mentioned the strange changes in my emotional responses to things since starting my current job, think it's down to regularized schedule, increased exposure to sunlight. Appears to some as my having emotional problems apparently, don't really think that's very apt. I'd say I had an emotional problem (flattened affect) which has largely gone away & I've been needing to figure out new coping strategies for having pretty normal emotional responses, not what I'm used to, a bit unsettling.

Space bar is acting up.

Also think I've mentioned this person I care very much about mistaking some problems with herself for problems with me. She's acted very cruelly toward me as a result of that, quite hurtful, but that's not really a major concern. My major concern has been & continues to be that this misrecognition is going to prevent her from addressing her own problems successfully, it's so scary that it's hard to think about, keep thinking about it anyway. She also has problems with me that actually have to do with me, of course, probably difficult to disentangle. Dislike mess, tend to make a bit of one.

Read a bit about rape epidemic in the Congo yesterday, not very nice. Taken past a certain point, spontaneous empathy can make one a bit harsh, don't really mean to be harsh, reading about people being torn apart makes me feel a bit that way, seeing it more so. Hard to understand why that would be hard to understand.

Stayed up very late finishing trashy scifi novel, therefore having a hard time waking up, like old times.

Going to work a half day at work today, hopefully. Not sure what I'm going to do the rest of the week, weekend was a bit much. Muscles hurt like the dickens.

Amazingly, had happy dreams of fun by the seaside.

Got called into work to deal with mail server crash, not the one I've been worrying over all weekend, another one entirely. All sorted now.

Here are the comedy/horror pairings I've come up with so far:

The Lady Eve/The Lair of the White Worm
Desk Set/Existenz
Bringing Up Baby/Rosemary's Baby

Thinking about starting with the last of these, probably on the 18th, half moon, perhaps inauspicious, but missteps should be less consequential and Chris & my mom will be here. Thinking festive sideboard with comedy, followed by cocktails with horror. Baby bok choy, baby back ribs, deviled eggs, rosemary something or other obviously items for sideboard, should think of more, also appropriate cocktails.

Again, open to suggestions.

Tim dropped off some leftover pastries from works, it's a pleasure universe.

Thinking about instituting a biweekly romantic comedy/horror double feature night, perhaps with festive sideboard, perhaps on the nights of the full & new moons. Two sides of the same coin, it's one I keep in my front pocket. Trying to think of some amusing pairings, open to suggestions.

Went & got some Portuguese bread, also milk, local Galas, Squirt & Eclipse Coffee Syrup, the official drink of the State of Rhode Island. Came home to message from Chris Davis, he is coming up here Thursday week after next after all, will need to shift some schedules around a bit.

Heart is racing very violently, a bit lightheaded.

Might watch Lair of the White Worm.

Soup is quite delicious, going to walk into town & try to find some crusty bread.

Have run out of stuff to do, feel like I'm going crazy. Loving people prone to killing themselves is no joke.

OK, going to go look for bread.

The seemingly impossibly large amount of stuff I had to do this weekend is now basically done, didn't get a chance to take a look at that streaming server, soup is almost done, still a little more work to do, pretty amazed by this.

Just took a long walk with P & gave away some vegetables I didn't see myself getting around to cooking in a timely fashion (a Boston lettuce, four delicatas). Going to chop up some kale for soup momentarily.

Anyway, chugging along frenetically getting stuff done, start crying occasionally, having really awful dreams. It's manageable.

Prepping vegetables for soup, thinking about how strange it is that my favorite kitchen knife is one I had to take away from someone once to prevent her hurting herself, glad I managed that, it's a damn sharp knife.

Done with laundry, just put some great northern beans for soup on to quick soak, things are looking pretty good & clean on upgraded server, going to poke around in that more later, going to take a walk to town now, watch the world go by, maybe have a light lunch.

Worry has taken itself to a point where it's become a heavily transformed consciousness, it's got its good points, noticing a lot of things I probably wouldn't otherwise, can get a lot done. Exposed nerve, terrible clarity, hypervigilant.

Wondering when I'm going to be able to believe anyone saying they're sure about something again, maybe never, maybe that's best.

Glorious fall morning, cool breezes.

Watching Phantom Gourmet's 'Hidden Jewels', waiting for laundry to dry.

My life is often strangely idyllic.

Forget how many times I've been admonished to 'be realistic.' Realism in art is characterized by its preoccupation with having the appearance of reality. Novels about alien invasions and killer robots have long struck me as having more to do with reality than most realist ones. Being realistic is also sometimes thought of as equivalent to showing common sense, can't say I think much of a notion that lumps "2 + 2 = 4", "One drives on the right side of the road", "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife" & "Business is business" into the same set, then smacks a "value=true" label on it. Anyway, realism, common sense, not really my thing, more interested in the real as such & actual sense.

Laundry's well underway, stoking the fires of pure reason with a cup of fresh joe, going to walk over by the paper with P in a minute, take some more pictures of the strange concrete monoliths, they keep moving around. May try to initiate communication.

Photos, photos



Kept waking in a pool of sweat, bleh.

Show was pretty fun, did my spastic hopping giant thing, astonished people with how loud I can scream. Other folks' playing was very soothing & enjoyable, got a call from T, lost in Golden Gate Park, also got some takeout Chinese from the place across the way. Eventually got worried about Peretz & came home again. Took him for a nice walk, then headed over to work to take care of work requiring my physical presence. Been going pretty nonstop for about 19 hours, sort of harsh, sort of nice.

Have a lot more work to do tomorrow, planning to intermix it with a wide variety of relaxed homebodyism, laundry, soup, music, chilling with my pup.

Lying on the couch, kind of hurt all over, going to watch some cartoons.

A light rain has started. Some sort of emergency requiring the evacuation of the 6th floor of the building across the street is in progress. Going to go drop off a sweet potato pie at friends' house, take my equipment, do a rock 'n' roll.

Just back from Ashfield Fall Festival, no German Science Reader, no affectionate, shy chickens (imagine they're happier at home anyway), no trembling beloved by my side- still pretty lovely. Picked up a two volume copy of Carlyle's French Revolution as well as a couple volumes of essays by more obscure essayists, each of which contains an essay on ghosts. Took a lot of pictures, was taking pictures of informational posters about bees when the woman whose posters they were asked me not to, as they are copyrighted. Not sure what's with people, but at least she asked nicely. Anyway, took a picture of a diagram indicating the relative importance of the bee to total agricultural production (long story short, less important than cows & pigs, more important than chickens). Going to respect her wishes as far as actual publication is concerned, copies available privately by request. Talked to her husband about problems they've been having printing their posters (buffer overruns in plotter, pretty weird, they're laying the things out in a GIS), gave some sound advice, hard to tell if it was understood.

Went to Shelburne Falls after, took still more pictures, so many I killed my camera's battery. Thinking about being these same places with Em same time last year, falling down with exhaustion, damn nervous, but happy. Moving around in my head, but in the real world too, things are the same, things are different. Everywhere strange doubling & redoubling.

Driving back from Greenfield, 'Let It Rain' playing on the radio, 'September Gurls' playing in my head, really a lovely song, do you know it?

"September gurls do so much
I was your butch and you were touched
I loved you, well, never mind
I've been crying all the time"

A little 'No Time Left For You' worked its way into my head late in the real world song. For extra credit, determine which of these songs appears on the spleen of the emotional associative homunculus.

Need to walk the dog, eat something, go play show, do some routine server maintenance. Falling down with exhaustion, damn nervous, but happy.

Well, that was exciting. Just spent the past 6 hours dealing with automated upgrade process gang horribly agley. Think I've gotten everything functioning again at the new patch level, wouldn't swear to it, path from here to there was pretty nasty & fraught with peril. What else is new?

Lots more followup to be done, may try to squeeze in Ashfield Fall Festival before that.

Can't sleep. Thinking about things.

There are times when one makes highly consequential choices. Best if they're good ones. If they're not, things can go very badly wrong, often in irreversible, uncontrollable ways.

I try to stay alert, make good choices. Doesn't always work, doesn't always help.

Might seem a bit vague. Isn't.

Took the dog for a walk by the paper, young guy with headphones on didn't notice me in the dark, walked up to Peretz, said, "Hey, puppy, whatcha doin' puppy?" and scratched P's head, then noticed me & jumped a little. Old lady dragging a shopping cart full of branches across the grass. She said, "That's a nice dog." He is.

Got home, had some pie, tasty but will be tastier chilled, slipped into pjs, killing a bottle of brandy I got for xmas.

First degree burn on right side of left middle finger, maybe a bit too much baking while exhausted.

Everything around me seems to be moving in slow motion, trying to take advantage of it.

Sweet potato, sweet potato, sweet potato pie.



While those were baking, did preparatory work for upgrade tomorrow, watched more bad scifi TV, plans for later include walk with dog, alcoholic beverage, more bad scifi TV.

Anybody want a pie?

Pureeing sweet potatoes, going to let the puree cool while I watch Doctor Who, then make pies. Maybe 2 or 3, wonder if anybody wants one.

Vibrations and pulses flowing through me, feel like I took the wrong pills.

Cooking some sweet potatoes, boiling these, going to puree them & make pies.

Life has been very trying & tiring of late, going to stay that way for a while, I guess. That's OK, I can take it.

Trying to sort out excessive weekend plans in my head, server upgrade, maintenance tasks with other servers, cookery plans (pies, soup, probably other stuff), playing show, Ashfield Fall Festival, laundry, maybe looking at community radio station's streaming server setup, probably other stuff I'm forgetting about. Best if I stay busy.

Dead tired, brain still doesn't slow down.

Peretz dreaming:

Just cleaned, chopped up & roasted a kombucha squash, two yams, two red onions, two carrots, a celeriac, two apples & four small potatoes. Was concerned it might be too sweet, as a matter of fact, it's quite lovely, subtle & complex.

Listening to music, head hurts.

Vegetable roasting process photographs.

Rather than tidying, reading "The Hypostasis of the Archons":

'And the great angel Eleleth, understanding, spoke to me: "Within limitless realms dwells incorruptibility. Sophia, who is called Pistis, wanted to create something, alone without her consort; and her product was a celestial thing. A veil exists between the world above and the realms that are below; and shadow came into being beneath the veil; and that shadow became matter; and that shadow was projected apart. And what she had created became a product in the matter, like an aborted fetus. And it assumed a plastic form molded out of shadow, and became an arrogant beast resembling a lion. It was androgynous, as I have already said, because it was from matter that it derived.'

Don't know what's with me & theogonies lately.

Long walk helped clear my head.

Thinking again about situations where people have used me as their primary source of emotional stability, not a very desirable situation to be in, but one I've allowed myself to be in when it seemed necessary, mostly that's been when it seemed like they would hurt themselves otherwise. Anyway, it's always undesirable, even as a stopgap, because when one wants people to be OK, what one really wants is for them to be OK regardless of whether you're around or not; because people come to resent feeling dependent on others; because you are stuck in a false position of being willing & happy to do things that you know aren't a good idea in the long term and that willingness & happiness can make it seem to the other person that this is how you want things to stay. It's quite nightmarish really, no matter how reliable one might be, one can't always be available, sometimes there are other things that really need to be attended to, sometimes the stress of being needed so badly makes you fall apart a bit yourself. Anyway, when it's seemed necessary, that's what I've done, it's a hard thing to feel alright about, but I try.

Shaking like a leaf.

Having a bit of an Indian Summer here, just walked home from work through the balmy air, passed through a veil of falling leaves, slight rustlings.

Going to drink some coffee, take a long walk with P, tidy up the kitchen a bit, then roast vegetables.

A bit more work later, prep for tomorrow's upgrades.

Feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, quite literally.

"My God, man, how could you rape a nun?"

"Force of habit."

Rarae aves- seems it was wrong of me to imagine they should flock together, perhaps inevitable that I should wind up paying for my fascination with cliché in some specie or another. Anyway, sub specie aeternitatis, it doesn't really amount to much, pocket change, really. In Augustine, eternity is conceived as an absolutized version of the present moment. A concept divides the world into what is and what is not something.

Thinking again about people's failures to own their decisions and actions. Usually involves migration from the order of causes to the order of reasons or confusion of these two orders. No facts about the world imply any particular response, could be they could cause one, all depends on how you prefer to look at yourself, or feel compelled to look at yourself. I guess my impression is that people are generally freer with respect to the usual sorts of purported causes of behavior than they let on or are aware of, genuine compulsion is a rare bird indeed, at least with respect to sustained attitudes and behaviors. This is all different when you consider something like habit, of course, but it's unusual for anyone to explicitly use habit as a justification of anything, at least anything considered particularly blameworthy.

Listening to 'Ella Speed'. Ain't it hard, man, but it's true, you can love someone don't love you.

Thinking about roasting more vegetables later.

Slept like a stone, feel like I didn't sleep at all, which is, I suppose, after all, how stones sleep.

All the beauty yesterday is having interesting effects, can always use more beauty.

Peretz is licking the couch. Now he's licking himself.

Yesterday was a very nice day, now it's tomorrow. Face is flushed, I'm shaking.

Should go to sleep, feel very wound up, Rear Window's on.

Uploading excessive photographic documentation of trip to shore.

Just back from a nice day trip to the Connecticut coast, nice & melancholy.

Went down to New Haven with my brother, ate at Louis' Lunch (been wanting to for years), burgers were very tasty. Dropped him off at the Metronorth station after, then headed up 95 to New London.

Went to Ocean Beach, very pretty, warm, wanted to play skee ball but arcade was closed, nice man showed me haunted house he was preparing for Halloween. T called while I was walking on the beach, she might come out east for a bit soon.

Went to Harkness to watch the sunset, thing I thought was a boat house is, as it turns out, a playground & picnic area reserved for the use of the handicapped, more beautiful & appropriate than I thought. Got a call from work, a question about a printer. Sat on a picnic table watching the sunset, talked to my mom for a while about a variety of things. The sun went down, I walked around a little, then started my drive home.

Not a perfect anniversary any way you look at it, still pretty lovely, spent time being with & talking with people I care about & who care about me, ate tasty food, looked at beautiful things. Spent some time tearing around Connecticut back roads crying after I left the park, but I did make it home eventually, glad to be back with Peretz, going to drink a little Sarsparilla then take a walk with him.

Took Aaron over to Silver Spoon to try their corned beef hash, magically delicious as always. Walked around a bit after, went into Cherry Picked Books to check it out. Took this photo of some paperback fiction:



As soon as I'd done so, woman behind counter snippily asked, "Are you taking photographs?" "Yes." "Why?" "No real reason." "Could you not?" "Sure."

Anyway, nice job losing business, stupid. Wonder what possible motivation there could be for such a policy/attitude. Don't want the extreme crappiness of their inventory to become generally known, perhaps?

More photos.

3 family right in front of Eastworks is back on the market, maybe I should buy that. Easy walk to grocery store, anyway.

Going to take my brother down to New Haven Metronorth later, maybe go to Bookmill before.

Knocked my bedside lamp over again, bulb didn't explode this time anyway. Falling in love with mentally ill people prone to self-harm & having them abruptly decide you're terrifying & never speaking to you again is an unsettling & unpleasant sort of experience, not the sort of thing you'd think somebody would willingly let themselves in for twice. Defying expectations, that's me, I guess.

Insertion run:



Went over to Lauren's after and had a look at her etchings. Aaron's buying one.

Tired & sore.

Fucking exhausted, went for some tasty Mexican in town, very interesting skies.

Going to go look at some prints of Lauren's in a bit, my brother's thinking of buying one.

Looking forward to having tomorrow off.

About to go brave the perils of the CompUSA corporate purchasing system, need a switch.

A lot of moving stuff around at work this morning, tracing lines, running cable through cubicle divider walls, lots more of that sort of stuff to come.

Feeling a bit sped up, taking tomorrow off.

Long walk with Peretz, long discussion about complex systems. Work with them all day, think about them quite a lot. The ones I work with have mostly been designed fairly carefully, that is, they're complex because nobody could figure out how to make them simpler. Peretz thinks it probably makes sense to see such systems as distributed on a continuum ranging from totally designed to ones that just happened to shake out that way. The emergent ones still have the appearance of being designed due to implementation constraints.

Society is an interesting example. Mostly just how it happened to end up, all kinds of funny overlaid design. Primary constraints all derivative of it having to be run on top of humans. It might be tempting to think that how it works is that each human has a complete model of the society in their head, including their role in it, and just acts in accord with the model. Obviously, this can't be what's happening at all. The other day, I was talking to somebody who imagined the DNS system working like this- basically he thought when a change was made to an authoritative name server, the change was pushed out to all the other name servers in the world, so all of them had a pretty current & complete representation of all domain name to ip address mappings. It's not totally implausible, Internet routing, for example, works pretty much like this. In the case of domain names, though, there are so many that requiring each DNS server to store them all locally isn't remotely feasible. There are other considerations barring this design, of course, bandwidth, etc. In the case of DNS, it's easy to explain how it's actually implemented (distributed hierarchical database, servers doing lookup query higher up servers for what the authoritative servers are, ask one of those servers for the address, save the answers locally for a specified time to avoid doing too many lookups), with society it's a lot harder.

These pictures of custard tarts, from the finest custard tartery in Lisbon, so strongly resemble those I was enjoying last weekend that I guess any lingering doubts I might have had about the authentic Portuguese quality of the Ludlow Central Bakery have been taken care of.

Peretz has been assuming adorable postures.

Think I've decided that dog will be happier if we don't return to dance party, matters more to me, one of those things I keep thinking I'll get around to going & checking out, probably good reasons for that. Not really my scene.

I don't know though, just thinking about how the limitations that really matter to people, that make them unhappy, are usually more the effect of belief in them than anything else. Lots of problems that aren't make-believe, of course, but lots that are, real enough for all that, and worse than the other kind, really.

My brother is talking to me about ad copy on food packaging. It is indeed interesting.

Had very strong Hendrick's martinis with my brother at Tunnel Bar, enjoyed the ambiance, complimentary nuts. Unfulfillable search for signal killed my cell phone, know how it feels.

Went by Basement to say hi to George & Dan after, the place smelled like vomit, they were playing nice music, Wu Tang, etc, nobody there yet except for some cool kids smoking outside. Came home to walk the dog, may go back over to observe later, may not.

Should probably have very stiff drinks more often, I seem to enjoy them.

Went for nice Korean with my brother, thought about T while picking at bits of meat with chopsticks, drove past Quality Inn on the way to Trader Joe's so my brother could get some stuff he wanted, thought about the other one. Mostly, Trader Joe's didn't have the stuff my brother wanted, T called while I was there, laid multiple anxiety bombs, probably a good person to do that to at the moment, only so anxious one can really be.

Home again, feeling overfed, thinking about going out for a walk, maybe going for martinis.

Having some half grapefruit/half lemon soda, peanut butter filled pretzels, trying to recover from watching Dopey poke at one of my servers.

Waxing a bit poetical, sorry about that, just what I'm like, one of the things I'm like anyway.

Gave Peretz a pretzel. Serbo-Croatian cannibalism, funny.

Thinking about the Traitorous Eight & all good things.

Spent a little while outside watching the white fluffy clouds, about to spend some time watching white fluffy vendor representative install software on a server, remote controlled by conference call, hopefully somebody more competent on the other end.

For treason is but trusted like the fox, who, never so tame, so cherished and locked up, will have a wild trick of his ancestors. Look how we can, or sad or merrily, interpretation will misquote our looks, and we shall feed like oxen at a stall, the better cherished still the nearer death.

Was working from home for a while in an effort to escape pile driving, sort of worked, but then the network got too slow & I had to come back. Lovely day to be out for a frolic, maybe later- morally depraved, technically sophisticated, any takers?

Drinking more coffee, doesn't seem to be doing much.

Seeing stars.

Pile driving has recommenced, appearing this weekend in Easthampton as part of Pilesdriver, was supposed to be me & Mondanali, he's going to Philly instead, is going to be me & Weston instead, I guess, as long as the guy playing guitar's named Matt we should be OK. Quite the rock 'n' roll lifestyle of late, doing a major server upgrade over the weekend as well, can you dig it?

Hands are cold.

Weekend also brings Ashfield Fall Festival, intend to be there with camera & bells on, wonder if those chickens will be back.

Pretty sleepy, forgot I was writing this, wandered off, walked dog, etc.

Woke in middle of a dream about hot dogs, condiments. Shaky & cold, coffee's brewing. When I think I can't go on, I think of the Chairman's smiling face. The imperialists are paper tigers.

Peretz is reacting to the colder weather by spending a lot more time curled in a ball, clever dog, we're a lot alike.

Press run was pretty great, show was pretty great, locals more interesting than out of towners, what else is new?

During long, boring, overly constrained and under skilled final set of the evening, started having some pretty drastic muscle pains in my left leg.

Should really get more sleep, going to make a frozen pizza instead.

Work is being unusually exhausting, got home, stir fried some bok choy from farm share, made some frozen dumplings to go with that, hot & tasty. Going to take my brother to observe part of a press run at work, then we're going to go catch a show at the yoga studio in a bit, should put on some clean socks.

Thinking on walk with P just now how I often come across as obsessive, not really particularly obsessive, about anything other than my own social performance anyway (admittedly, that's 'social' pretty broadly construed, funny how how one conceptualizes things can affect one's psychological disorders) & I'm pretty aware of the irrationality of that. Still has an effect on how I act toward others, not everyone's cup of tea. Mostly though, I think this impression is the result of my having a weirdly long attention span, keep a lot of interests & concerns in mind all the time, all at once. Sorting through all that requires a good deal of thought, also might make me seem obsessive, also rigid maybe, not really that either. Just trying to keep myself clear on things, keep the noise to a minimum.

OK, clean socks.

Let me give an example of what I'm talking about, take these two photos I took the other day at the Big Indian Shop on the Mohawk Trail:





I think the attentive human reader of this & my previous blog, could easily, after recognizing these as decaying statues of white deer, see that they might have something to do with my repeated mentions of the song 'My Pretty Snow Deer' and also, if they were aware of the legend (which they should be as I linked to it once), to the repeated references to Virginia Dare. A strange complex of kitsch, old-timeyness, the New World, Indians should emerge. The associative network can be followed out further, of course. One might recognize an excerpt I made once from the Harlan Ellison story 'Croatoan' as related to all this (especially as it's in the same post where the Virginia Dare legend is linked). Junctures to larger (or anyway more general) themes involving birth, death, time, literature appear. One might notice 'My Pretty Snow Deer' mentioned in proximity to ekphrasis and wonder how all this ties in with preoccupations with passages between word & image, sign & reality.

A sign is a promise, promises are made to be broken.

Thinking quite a lot about metadata just recently. Partly, it's that I've been uploading photos at such a furious rate there's just no hope of my providing much in the way of metadata for them despite flickr's relatively clean & simple interface for doing so. This is true of data proliferation these days pretty generally, I think. No matter how many small subsets have proper metadata attached, the larger ones' are never going to be that way, there are a lot of larger ones, the small, nicely structured ones get swamped, tiny island in a torrent.

There is of course, potentially useful metadata about my photos that isn't being used. For example, this text stream is being generated in parallel to the photo stream, both are by the same author, both have time stamps. There are corporate/standards issues preventing automated systems from recognizing the shared authorship (Google owns Blogger, Yahoo owns flickr, no standard cross platform method for establishing identity), despite the two streams being largely about one another, the only aboutness recognizable by automated systems is the hyperlinks from here to there. Without my tagging the photos, there's little hope of a machine recognizing the thematic relationships, for example, even if one could recognize the assimilation of street signs, warning signs, commercial signs to signs in general in the way that an attentive human reader of this could, it still couldn't recognize a photograph as being of a sign, though it might manage to recognize most of the text if it tried. The situation is even worse with all the animals and representations of animals.

Maybe robot iconologists are a lot to hope for, or something one shouldn't hope for- anyway, it's something I'm thinking about.

Dreams were even worse than anticipated, don't really feel like I slept, having coffee, will shower in a minute to shake off the chill, plod through another day. The amount of involuntary unpleasantness in my life is pretty excessive this year, mainly down to my nervous system I suppose, all my fault. Also, involuntary or not, I did pretty much volunteer for it.

Shivering.

Doesn't sound like they've started pile driving yet at work this morning,imagine they'll get to it soon.