FedEx having once again affixed a failure notice to my neighbor's door without even attempting delivery to mine, it has become necessary for me to go wrest my little darlin' from the clutches of the evil West Hatfield, some time after 6:30. Imagine it's already twirling its waxed mustachios and laughing maniacally in anticipation of our encounter. Quick wit, pure heart, Tinkerbell hat- we'll see who laughs last.

Only hope she gets through the experience with her virtue intact.