Wrapped in blankets, crying. Things are strange.

Very good at distracting myself, doesn't always work.

Poor, sick bird.

Long drive through nasty Connecticut traffic, nothing out of the ordinary, just sort of hate it there, most places, anyway, took some pictures of the traffic, imagine that made T a bit terrified, sorry, T. Dropped T at the train, wended my way to Wooster Street, ordered a sausage & mushroom pizza to go at Frank Pepe's, then walked around for a while, taking photographs. Got my pizza, eventually found a 91 on ramp and headed north at speed, mostly about 80, eating eccentrically sliced Original Tomato Pie, taking more photographs of the dense traffic.

The periodic complete indifference to danger consequent to horrific abuse can be quite liberating, parody of a desire for life often better than the real thing.

Was thinking of going to see some music in a while, Peretz was so pleased to see me I've decided to give it a miss.

Has gotten quite cold, heard it might snow on Sunday, would be a treat.

Got out of work around one, went with T for nice sushi lunch at Moshi Moshi, extremely pleasant. Going to take her to the New Haven Metro-North shortly as the person who was going to do that flaked. Gets a little tiring picking up other people's slack, better than when you'd like to but it's impossible. My experience is that those are the two main alternatives in life, at least for one such as myself.

Just out snapping more pictures of trees in pale twilight, cold fingers.

May try & get myself some famous Wooster Street pizza after dropping off T, being the one who comes through has its perks, I suppose.

Hard to understand why refraction & reflection don't have more equal roles in our largely optical conception of the mental, maybe because mirrors have been commonplace so much longer than lenses. Stranger as they're really the same thing. Diffraction doesn't seem to enter in much at all, for whatever reason.

Should reread what Goethe has to say about color, maybe this evening.

Sitting quietly with Peretz, inside both of us, mad torrents.

Slowly coming into focus.

Old college chums coming into town some time tonight.

Trying to get my head into proper Modern Lovers order.

Bit chilly, going to get chillier still.

Sky cleared out nicely, lovely starry night, wish I were out in the hills, things to do down here.

Just go on and on, supposedly that's intolerable & terrifying, she keeps reading anyway, I keep going on and on. Bit hard to understand it- not the part about me going on and on, understand that just fine, I tend to go on and on- the other part I find a bit odd.

Odd kid, but sweet.

Would sort of like to be asleep, waiting to hear from T her requirements.

A little roasted squash, some toasted rosemary bread with cheese, moving on to the cocoa with mini marshmallows. Makes being unhappy seem ridiculous, even a bit obscene. Nonetheless.

100% legit cocoa weather, wet, a bit cold, think I should try to prevent myself from moving on to two cups a day till it's genuinely cold. We value discipline.

Again with the stressful, secret doings, at work this time around, still really not my thing, ick, hate being trapped in musty closets.

Just gave T a lift to her folks so she could take her mom's car to central Mass. for a visit, she'll probably be back here later.

Was considering getting myself some sort of takeout treat for dinner, decided to be a good boy & eat leftovers instead.

All I need to know about events in my community I learn from the spam filter, considering going to this.

Bored out of my mind, photographing spam, etc.

Have a bit of a chill. Maybe more coffee would help.

Sadly, a willingness to do anything another asks of you doesn't make it possible to accede to contradictory demands. Maybe it could work if one were very Hegelian about it, even gave that a try for a bit, eager to please but never been much of an Hegelian, have always been & remain convinced that contradiction is a matter of words and not things, things other than words, I mean.

Should write some songs. Maybe with lots of words beginning with aitch preceded by 'an'.

Yeah, whatever, typographic convention be damned. The movement of self consciousness, ha ha ha.

Just noticed that the editor of the Athol Daily News is named Barney Cummings, wonder if they need a sysadmin. Could certainly use a new web designer, anyway.

Anyway, anyway.

Another gray morning.

Fell asleep on couch, watching cartoons, dreams full of noise & color, some pleasant enough, others not so much.

Got something more resembling a normal amount of sleep anyway.

Thinking in the shower about how when nuance is lost on people, there's just not much point in talking with them at all. Maybe I should be quiet for a while.

Walking with Peretz, noticed my left knee doing funny things, clicky, painful. In the phase of the extended sleep deprivation cycle where muscles start acting up, I guess. Also, light on surfaces seems to have magical properties, maybe a touch of psychosis. Could use more sleep, won't get it.

Limping along on the last of my orange dry soda & thoughts of better days, will have to do.

Soda run Friday afternoon, maybe.

Took T back over to her parents. Lying on the couch, crying.

Should really take the dog out.

Fetched T, we ended up dining on the fancyish end of the spectrum at Apollo Grill, braised wild mushrooms with polenta, butternut soup, pistachio crusted salmon, duck in cherry/port sauce. Yum yum.

Doing some esthetically pleased spacing out while T plays Facebook Tetris. Now she's swearing in Russian, imagine my ears turned a delicate shell pink to match my delicate sensibilities.

Peretz was excited to see us, on his bed with bone now, sorting out his feelings.

Need to go fetch T from Springfield bus terminal shortly. Need to walk P first.

Maybe we'll go out for dinner after I fetch her, that would be nice.

Dead tired.

Beautiful, crisp morning.

Lots of things awry with my mind, social anxiety, panic, perfectionism. Makes it difficult for me to do many things I'd like to be doing, people get close to me & are suddenly in a position to notice that I get into states which scare the shit out of them. It's a big drag. One thing which is basically totally unimpaired by these things, though, is what the professionals term 'reality testing.'

Find it easy to relate to people feeling tormented; having strange, obsessional thought patterns; very hard to relate to impaired reality testing. Sorry about that, sweetie, we all have our limitations, I guess.

Time to make the donuts.

Being treated like a sex-crazed stalker, pretty strange- really, project much?

Liars think I'm lying to them, the sex obsessed imagine I'm their mirror image. Mostly pretty straightforward & honest, as much as I can manage, anyway, & while I find sex interesting, it's not among my primary concerns in life. Those are, pretty much, certain other people, art & staying functional, in roughly that order of priority.

People lock themselves into little nightmare closets, get them to peek out for a minute at the big world outside, often as not they try to drag you back in with them. Imagine they see it as a favor.

T is on the phone, is returning this evening.

Thinking about all the new modes of being available lately, don't get the impression people much notice, still haven't really noticed the effects of motor cars & such, mostly. If you've noticed, you can get an idea of how much these things have sunk in by observing how they're portrayed in popular film.

Thinking about Marinetti & the Web 2.0 crowd, easy to get carried away, lose track of subtleties.

Thinking about how Internet mediated my past two serious relationships were.

Anyway, dissolving into thousands of photos and an endless stream of text. One option, anyway.

Keep finding myself thinking it's Monday, wonder what happened to Monday.

Have been fool enough to commit myself to going into work early tomorrow. May provide an opportunity to sample & photograph untried local donuts.

Lying in the dark, just spent some time playing with camera, tall glass of raki & another tea light.

Hopeless.