Monday, December 31, 2007

Just finished up the soup part of my chicken noodle soup, will deal with noodle part later. All part of leaving the year the same way I found it, militantly friendly & helpful, took some doing to get back to that, Party discipline always a help.

Managed a long walk with P through snowy dumping area, lovely hot shower after, feeling crisp & clean, ready for most anything.

Sadly, next on the plate is some extremely tedious routine work, ah, well.
My laundry done, went out to get stuff to make chicken soup, got call from work while at store, compacting snow & satellite dishes don't get along very well, swung by there on the way home & helped sort things out. Got some free veggie pizza for my trouble.

Making stock now, going to take the dog for a walk while that simmers, maybe also take a shower while that simmers.

Wish I could explain it in a way that you would understand, I'd like it if you could understand.
Walked over to work hand in hand with tiny imaginary friend, showing her how the snow piles on the branches, started crying.

Turned out there was a lot more physical work for me over there than anticipated, got through it quickly & in a more slapdash fashion than normal, was having a difficult time being there, left, home again, going to do some more work once I calm down a bit.

Seem to have made a new real world friend, always nice, doesn't fix everything, still very nice.
Was planning to go into work a bit early, haven't managed it, got sucked into complex home-based multitasking- catching up on work correspondence, uploading photos, labeling photos, doing laundry, walking dog, drinking coffee, thinking affectionate thoughts, convoluted thoughts, trying to figure out angles, how to manage the things that need managing.

Peretz is aggressively rearranging blankets.

Going to go put laundry in dryer in a few, head over to physical workplace, do some physical work.

Close my eyes, scenes of terror, scenes of great beauty, sometimes they're the same scenes.

Lots of ways to be held down, some are even pleasant.
Lovely snow. Last night was riding back from the Cape in it, watched a variety of really lousy driving, luckily had highly competent chauffeur, enjoy competence.

Need to go over to work for a while at some point. Also need to make a grocery run, juice & such.

Festive plans for later involve Fred & Ginger.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Interesting dawn sky this morning, complex, layered, dynamic, crisscrossed with contrails natural & artificial, took a lot of pictures.

Fear of flying, oh, you poor dear. It's marvelous.

Should probably go buy more coffee.
Yuppie cafe doesn't open till 7 Sundays, wandered further afield to corporate bagel shop, got coffee, bagel.

Still icy, took snaps of morning sky, etc.

Listening to roadtrip mix cd I made last night. Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with.
Woke early, forgot to go buy coffee last night, crap.

Wonder when yuppie cafe around the corner opens.

Maybe I'll go check.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Has turned into a bit of a skating rink outside.

My mom put a picture of me visiting on a beach in Hawaii with a strange dog I'd forgotten existed on her flickr account:



Scope ambiguity, gotta love it.

Tomorrow, fixing computers, dim sum, Woods Hole, my kind of plans.
Spent a very pleasant afternoon visiting, listening to music & such, was going to try to work in a game of Scrabble, didn't manage it, time flies.

Peretz & I are enjoying some ham, salty, tasty.

Listening to Lee Perry.
Just got my brother a Flickr pro account for xmas, or new year's or something, happy xmas.

Finally did some dishes, again with the eponymous Love album on, 1, 2, 3, 4, I love you.

Over & out.
Had a look a Tim's beat up laptop, flat busted, can't be trusted, time to get a new laptop, sorry, guy.

At work taking care of a few things, gotta love NT4.

Almost finished with that, then what?
Slow movement this morning, bright outside, clear headed & a bit grim.

Flipper lyrics in my head, 'Shed no tears for the suicide, she has made her choice.' Not as simple as that, shit. OK, OK, it's he not she, call it a cover.

Peretz is next to me on a pile of blankets.

Wondering what the day will bring.
Quite tired, active mind, what else is new?

Friday, December 28, 2007

Having some cider.

Copy of Norwegian Wood I left at Cooley Dick is now in Norway, strange world.
Ended up ditching my security audit as I got invited sledding, wouldn't have thought I'd go sledding. Tubing at a ski area, bit of an industrial, sanitized version of the sledding I loved as a youth, no danger of serious injury, still quite fun.

Full of surprises lately, better if I can a bit of a moving target even to myself, weave & warp, patterns are beautiful, patterns are traps. Stay as reliable as possible, but keep moving, no variation, no elaboration, no life, no art. Like life & art, so, here we go.

Stopped on the way home for some trashy fast food, seems like I haven't had any of that in a dog's age, should probably be eating nutritious leftovers, sometimes it's genuinely best to say 'fuck it.'
Went to work for a bit, metal saw running near my desk, smell of burning plastic, now working from home.

This afternoon, will do some penetration testing. Sometimes I love my job.
Perusing snapshots of family holiday activities my job prevented me from participating in, sigh. Brisket sure looks good.

Reinstalling nmap, forgot it got wiped along with my hard drive a while back, will require it later.

Listening to mix cd, how I love mix cds, everybody send me mix cds, please.
Car moved, decisive, effective, cha cha cha.

Tagging mp3s.
Had the hardest time falling asleep, now having the hardest time waking up. Waiting for coffee. Sneezing.

Just got call from my landlord that tree people are on the way to cut down dead hemlock by where my car is parked. Need to move car.

Bring on the tree people, take that, hemlock!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Went for nice Thai, duck, mango with sticky rice, nice company, good times.

Was a bit of a drag of course, best to stick with what one knows.

Before that, had a cosmopolitan. Cos-mo-pol-i-tan.

'How shall we sing the songs of the Lord in a strange land?'

Like this:

Tum-tiddly-tum-pum,
Tum-tiddly-tum-pum,
Tum-tiddly-tum-tum-pum.

It's easy. Anyway, hugs & kisses from the diaspora, have fun with the fatted calfs & scapegoats & the raining down death upon your enemies' first born & such, I'm having another drink. A cognac, actually, it's very pleasant.
Eyes glazing over a bit, going to do some more work, then go out for some nice Thai.

Short week, seems all the more exhausting for that, somehow.

OK, back to work.
Refueling on root vegetables, coffee & pie before going over to Easthampton to take another stab at examining & documenting strange foreign systems. Workplace is in chaos, ducts & lights dangling free, hammering by my desk, all sorts of schedules dangling in midair as well, no idea where I'm at or how my time will end up being allotted, hoping things don't get rescheduled to the weekend of my birthday, will already be a sufficient drag without that. Maybe it would even be better spent at system deployment, actually. Will see how it turns out, I suppose.

Dog wants out, it's raining.
Deciding I wasn't going to make the time to comb the little used bookstores for it, broke down & ordered a copy of Either/Or, should arrive in the new year.

So what's it going to be, the esthetic or the moral life? Thinking about people who are never presented with choices such as these, for whom choice as such is the haziest of entities.

Have spent a good deal of time mulling over & elaborating systematic defenses of human choice, probably would've been better spent trying to shore up the material conditions of possibility of those, though maybe not- my overall impression is, that's hopeless.

Showering, thinking about madness, terrifying, inexorable, ridiculous. Have a funny sort of perspective on that, with it overrunning large areas of my mental function so frequently but leaving personality and judgement more or less intact apart from the inevitable slow erosion & shaping, see the funhouse effects for exactly what they are, pretty much, still pretty disconcerting.
Thinking about getting ditched, not really that big a deal, lots of things worse than getting ditched, ditching people to name one.

Thinking about my brother's once-expressed certainty that I would survive & thrive after a nuclear holocaust, it's not an unreasonable expectation, he knows me quite well.

Coffee's done, drinking coffee.
Woke again to 'Alone Again Or' playing on my computer, some jokes just stay funny, get funnier all the time, honestly.

More dampness. Maybe snow later.

Colossal fuckups lie in wait round ever corner, pressing on.

Wish coffee would get done brewing.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Still shaking.

Close my eyes, scenes of shocking violence. Open them again, all is peaceful & calm.

Afraid to go to sleep, going to anyway, pretty soon now.
Looking at pictures of hot dogs mailed to me, quite something, should go check that place out, Blackie's in Cheshire, looks like they've got burgers & shakes as well, bit of a haul, maybe this Sunday, want to come?

In a bit of a state of collapse. Was maybe going to go try & fix a USB card tonight, wonder if I'm going to do that.

In a pile with Peretz, watching The Dirty Dozen.

In a pickle.
Work continues to be a bit much, shaking a bit actually, as expected laziness of people at other company is reducing time pressure & simplifying things somewhat, still not quite rid of nervousness related to that as just heard about it now & things would've started breaking tomorrow.

Thinking on walk just now how some people, lacking any meaningful self-restraint, are unable to recognize it in others. Have been exercising a good deal of it, begin to wonder what the point is. Well, beyond its esthetic qualities, anyway. Maybe just as well if there is no point beyond that.

Should probably eat something.
Extended bout of dreamless sleep, a pleasant change, could do with more, things to do.

Light dusting of snow.

Trying to map out course of work for the next few days, difficult, too many things to be doing, all need to get done. Trying very hard to maintain a hard line on not working any substantial extra time, having already given up vacation for this crap. Will be difficult. The main hope for success at that is the laziness and bureaucratic torpor of the other people I am relying upon to do things necessary to my being able to proceed with other things.

Would like to go back to sleep.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Long story short, blanket won. Nice blanket. Would be nicer still with somebody else in it with me, not in any fit state for that, won't be for some time, maybe forever. Blanket will have to do.

Also have nice entertaining book, could make cocoa if I'd like some, not bad, all things considered.

Ah, here comes my pup.
Copious amounts of hot cider left me feeling a good deal less cold, a good deal more sleepy. Just caught myself nodding off a minute ago, atypical.

Watcher at the nexus of the five worlds falling asleep at his post, what's the multiverse coming to?

Comic books, Michael Moorcock, WTF?

Really, WTF?

Had bits of 'Kubla Khan' running through my head a while ago, intermixed with bits of the movie Xanadu & that fucking Rush song. It never stops.
Sleepy & cold, cold & sleepy, trying to decide whether to attend hootenanny later.

Major upsides to doing that- opportunity to take more photos, test digital audio recorder. The sort of reasons I do most things lately.

On the other hand, cold & sleepy & sad & would really rather be wrapped in a blanket. The sort of reasons I don't do most things lately.

Deadlock, sigh.
Nice Chinese lunch was very nice indeed, chef's special dumpling, lamb special. Had fun watching the other Jews having their Chinese lunch.

Walked around a bit in Florence industrial area after, taking snapshots, hearing about southern recipes from my mom on cell.

Got a bit chilled, warming now. Peretz is having the loveliest dreams.
Flickr's new stats feature continues to amuse with comically incorrect referrers, wonder what the deal is with that, not exactly rocket science.

Just back from lovely levee walk with P, lots of other pups to meet & play with, bit icy & dangerous, totally worth it.

May, in best Jewish fashion, head out for Chinese lunch in a bit.
Oh!- violent stabbings in my breast!
Sit dully typing at my dull desk,
A travesty of byronesque-
She thought it over and she thought it best.
Listening to 'Academy Fight Song'- how many theme songs can one man have?

How much havoc can one man wreak?

Quite a lot of both, apparently.

Going to go walk the dog, singing & whistling to myself, thinking about Red Harvest.

What heart?
Showering just now, thinking about transparency, invisibility, opacity, inscrutability, other optical effects & tricks of light.

Babbage never designed a dialectical engine, should've, would've saved me a lot of bother. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Anyway, happy xmas, Ada, wherever you went- I'll try & do some amusing complex sums in my head for you while I work, know how that amuses you.

Knowhow, no way, no how.

Sufferin' succotash.
Santa didn't leave me shit, the jolly old anti-semitic fuck.

Having some coffee.

Dark & drear this morning is, wishing I could sleep more, once I got back to sleep, long run of the loveliest dreams, sugarplums & such, to euphemize.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Strange thing, being so emotionally unavailable- didn't used to be that way, bit flat but very available. These days- feelings all over the place & very, very unavailable. Try it & see, don't think you'll care much for it. Everything important to me has been compressed into a tiny, dense ball for safekeeping & to use as a weapon at every opportunity. Far too dense & tiny for my using it as a weapon to put it at risk.

Also having a lot of thoughts unintelligible even to me, that's also a new thing, at least in these quantities. Chemical imbalance, perhaps, at least it's a change.

Fell asleep for a little while, found myself face to face with dead beloved (what else is new?) in a very cramped dark place, smelled of her & earth & damp & death, could somehow trace the contour of her brow, her eyelid in the nonlight, something between sight & touch, no reason for a face like that to be dead, oh, hell, hell, hell.

Going to go back to sleep.
Water outside's refreezing, some near brushes with traumatic head injury just now, might be better off.

Realizing that I'm going to need to break down & get an SLR at some point if only to be able to take decent photos of the moon, frustrating not being able to do that.

May just go to bed, get up early & see what Santa's left me.
Eating tiny ham sandwiches on dinner rolls, sharing with Peretz, didn't manage nap.

Maybe a cup of coffee.

Having chills.
Another striking sunset, got a pretty nice photo of hawk's sunset-tinged underbelly, pretty happy about that.

Listening to restored copy of 'Ask'.

Might take a nap.
Nice day of grazing on leftovers, walking around in the sunshine, pruning music from & adding music to my laptop. Noticed, among other things, that the copy of Louder than Bombs on here was missing 'Girl Afraid', 'Ask' & 'Sleep', highly inappropriate omissions, rectifying that now.

Going to see if I can manage a walk through the woods with pup in the remaining sunlight.
Walked to town, observed last minute holiday shopping, took photos of window displays & such.

Went & bought some cds, Doris Day, prison songs, a couple 'borrowed' things, can't remember if these were 'borrowed' along with T's old Civic or otherwise. In any case, nice to have my Nick Drake records back.

Just heard from Henry that some lovely people took the opportunity of his grandma being at his mom's to call Fire Dept. claiming there was a medical emergency in her apartment, letting the firemen break down the door, looting after. Happy holidays.
Finally got out into the wet, melting world with P, sky alive with flying things, home again with birds on the brain.

Christmas Eve. Usually give a single gift. Here's mine, poppybird, sound advice:

Ditch the dumb guy & your irrational fears some afternoon & drop by for some peppermint tea & a chat, it'll make you feel ever so much better.

Won't take it, of course, offering's the most I can do. Since you're going to ignore that, might as well give sounder advice:

Ditch the dumb guy altogether. He's keeping you sick & you're keeping him stupid. You should really experience what it can be like to be a highly intelligent person out in the world without these sorts of burdens, I think you'd really like it.

You asked me a while back who I was to know what's best for the two of you. I wouldn't say I know exactly, but I have a pretty strong opinion based on extensive observation and thought. I'm also, at least in your opinion & I don't think it's far from the truth, the smartest person you know. I'm also, despite appearances perhaps, doing my best to be a good friend to both of you as I care about you both very much, that's how it's been all along, that's how it's staying. Above all, though, nobody's keeping me sick or stupid.

Anyway, just advice, feel free to ignore it. Happy xmas.

OK, going back out into the melting world.
Dinner party took a while to get going, turned out reasonably lively & festive, looking forward to taking a break from that, will be interesting to see if I crack up.

Almost balmy out, full moon behind fast moving low clouds, appears to be zipping along, not going much of anywhere.

Wouldn't think it from reading this, but I'm pretty sure I'm a lot healthier than I was once was, under a year from severely traumatic event, back to baseline functionality, pretty much, bit more aggressive & hostile, maybe, probably just part of the new steady state, probably also for the best.

Again with the lots of scotch, it's nice.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Drinking scotch, listening to music & the rain, awful lot of Syd Barrett in the mix today, 'Dark Globe' came on earlier & made me cry, such a sissy boy, sheesh.

Scotch is lovely, as are you, my darlings.

Peretz is damp & looking at me strangely.
Yorkshire puddings are baking, only thing left to do after that is warm up some rolls.

Pleasant mental state born of heavy drinking last night, inadequate sleep, heavy activity all day, should perhaps make a practice of these things.

Overwhelming feelings of love & sympathy, strange violent undercurrents, me all over.

Yorkshire pudding smells amazing, wish you could be here to have some, all of you, quite genuinely. Strawberry jam an option.

Happy holidays.
Determined that I needed a few more things from the store, decided to go to grocery in Hadley as it would provide opportunity to get burger & malted at Pete's Drive In, a place to which oddly, having lived here for some 17 years, I have never been.

Wasn't missing much, subpar burger, fries nice & crispy but otherwise nothing special, malted pleasant enough, but lacking oomph. Also, employee gave me dirty looks for taking photos. Final verdict: fuck 'em.

Red cabbage is braising, peeling & slicing apples for crisp.
Reading bits of H.L. Mencken's translation of The Antichrist to work up some more proper xmas spirit:

"The deaths of the martyrs, it may be said in passing, have been misfortunes of history: they have misled ... The conclusion that all idiots, women and plebeians come to, that there must be something in a cause for which any one goes to his death (or which, as under primitive Christianity, sets off epidemics of death-seeking) — this conclusion has been an unspeakable drag upon the testing of facts, upon the whole spirit of inquiry and investigation. The martyrs have damaged the truth.... Even to this day the crude fact of persecution is enough to give an honorable name to the most empty sort of sectarianism. — But why? Is the worth of a cause altered by the fact that some one had laid down his life for it? — An error that becomes honorable is simply an error that has acquired one seductive charm the more: do you suppose, Messrs. Theologians, that we shall give you the chance to be martyred for your lies? — One best disposes of a cause by respectfully putting it on ice — that is also the best way to dispose of theologians .... This was precisely the world-historical stupidity of all the persecutors: that they gave the appearance of honor to the cause they opposed — that they made it a present of the fascination of martyrdom .... Women are still on their knees before an error because they have been told that some one died on the cross for it. Is the cross, then, an argument?"

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!

Peretz is sleeping peacefully on the turquoise couch.
Potato rolls are in pans undergoing second rising, don't make bread often enough, always makes me nervous. Yeast smelled nice anyway. Trying to work out cooking schedule in my head, seems easy enough. Cut in finger hurts like dickens.

Feel a little bad about ditching the radio folks this morning, but not too bad. It's not as if they're paying me, it's not as if it's fun.

Trying to decide if making Yorkshire pudding is excessive. Trying to decide if I should go get jam to go with it.
Potato rolls underway, thinking I may not get to helping out radio station in morning, oh well.

Overdoing it a bit, best I can manage at the moment.

Funny to have somebody think I have a lot of negative judgements about her that I don't have, mostly just think she stupidly blew an excellent opportunity, happens to the best of us.

Waiting for liquid I used to boil potatoes to cool sufficiently that I can use it to bloom yeast.
Went out for fancy dinner, had duck a l'orange, if you can believe it, a good deal of wine. After that, went to bar, had a good deal of scotch. Need to get started on potato rolls, walk the dog, etc.

Neighbors in front are being specially loud & annoying, happy holidays.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Pies & custards finished, I left the pies to cool & took the custards over to Tom & Mike's, where Tom, Mike, Henry, Nancy & I consumed them. Pleasant, subtle. Also had some very tasty cheese. Played with Macy the dog, Peretz is jealous. Going to walk him now, then walk to town to meet up with folks again for fancy dinner.

Pleasure universe.
Pies are baking, had some extra custard, baking that also, in four little pink ramekins, in a bain-marie. Think what you like.

Peretz wants out, need to wait for pies to be done, sorry, guy.

Managed to give myself a little cut on a fingertip with hubbard-dulled paring knife, typisch.

Also, did that server care & maintenance, also never ending, not so much of a pleasure.
Another hubbard squash cleaned & dressed, was going to roast all of it and freeze the portion I didn't use for pie, decided it wouldn't caramelize as nicely if I did that, ended up doing the same thing I did with the last one, cubed the whole thing, roasting half in butter & maple syrup, freezing the other half for later.

What would you do faced with the following situation? Dear friend who you love & care deeply about very clearly wants to both kill herself & sleep with you. She is married to another dear friend.

Not asking for advice, mind. Just curious. Already know what I would do, having been faced with this situation, frankly, knew what I would do before being faced with it, know how I would deal with it if faced with it again. All exactly the same. Just a boy who can't say no, I guess, at least to certain people.

So, if there's something you'd like to try, ask me, I won't say no, how could I?

Crap, crap, crap- all-day sucker.

Roasting squash smells de-lovely.
Got a few items checked off on my to do list, check deposited, photos of ridiculous Amazing.net window displays taken, was going to take some more photos around the back of the place, but an employee asked me not to, must be mellowing in my dotage as I didn't & also didn't take a picture of her asking me not to, half regret it. Some dog care also accomplished, but that's a never ending task & a pleasure.

Will probably take him for another walk, then do dishes.
Things to do today:

1) Routine dog care & maintenance
2) Routine server care & maintenance
3) Walk to town to deposit insultingly small xmas bonus
4) Take photos of the window displays at Amazing.net
5) Refine intense feelings of unrequited love into a weapon suitable to my needs
6) Do dishes
7) Make hubbard maple pies, get started on potato rolls
Ah, solstice!

"Study me then, you who shall lovers be
At the next world, that is, at the next spring;
For I am every dead thing,
In whom Love wrought new alchemy.
For his art did express
A quintessence even from nothingness,
From dull privations, and lean emptiness;
He ruin'd me, and I am re-begot
Of absence, darkness, death— things which are not."

Get it? Got it? Good.

To reiterate:

1. The ghosts arrived punctually at the Autumnal Equinox.
2. Shimmering and wailing, they made life unbearable.
3. The ghosts passed right through everything, but made everything they touched hurt really badly.
4. Even tables and chairs.
5. They tried cooking a Fall Feast.
6. But the ghosts came and ruined everything.
7. They tried fucking, but couldn't.
8. It wouldn't have helped anyway, the ghosts were too strong.
9. They looked into selling the house.
10. After the third agent they'd contacted dismembered five young families in five starter homes, they knew they had to stay.
11. On the Winter Solstice, they died together in bed.
12. After that, the ghosts didn't seem so bad. Some of them were actually quite nice.
13. Everybody had a party.

Not everybody can write prophetic stories, it's a talent.

Happy winter, everybody.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Hampshire fundraising people have become convinced that my address is T's new address, happy days. Repeat after me, folks, an Excel spreadsheet is not a database.

She's trying to convince me to contact them & correct, fat chance. Told her to tell them I'm dead & receiving the mail upsets her. Not too far from the truth.

Undead, undead, undead.
Spent a good long while meaning to pour myself some scotch, finally got around to it. Thinking about pouring out some scotch for distraught guest some time ago, no reason I can't try to be nice to myself as well.

Maybe I'm not very good at it, sometimes it seems that way, mostly I think I'm better at it than most, just tend to pick people who have a hard time accepting other people being nice. Probably because they seem lonely & sad, so sue me.

Scotch doesn't help much with making me feel better about that, for work-related stress though, well, it's pretty great.
Went & got liquor, wine, some other stuff, no real reason to go out for anything at all tomorrow, makes a nice change.

Peretz is running around the house naked, acting frisky, good dog.

In a while, I'll take him for a nice walk, then blanket & book.
Just done testing new install of Nessus by scanning my home LAN in preparation for scanning hideously poorly maintained LAN company is acquiring once they have finished acquiring it & it will no longer be illegal for me to do so. Really wishing I could do this beforehand so the other guys could be made to clean up their own mess. Oh, well.

Spacing out.

May go stock up on liquor shortly.
Went & stocked up on produce at Atkins, was going to go to Table & Vine for festive alcohol after, observed traffic patterns, thought better of it. Will just get that stuff from the Big Y in town tomorrow, need a few other things from there anyway.

Funny sort of festive mood, overworked, underpaid (received insultingly meager xmas bonus earlier), overtired, worry & despair slipping into a cheerful alert hostility, a readiness for conflict, amusement, kindness, cruelty, whatever the world offers or seems to want of me, pretty much.

One might, were one a pipe smoker, put that in one's pipe & smoke it.
Sort of done with work for week, more to do at some point, spent the morning dealing with fonts of all things, among other things automatically produced a hundred page document they were set to make some poor intern type, fucked up.

Received Kreuz Market pit ham in the mail from my brother, pretty excited about it, also saves me the trouble of trying to locate a locally raised & slaughtered standing rib roast. Going to go do my simplified grocery shopping in a bit.

Peretz, agitated by my many extended absences, no doubt, has been very difficult to be with out in the piled slush, home again without significant injury, anyway.

Mind racing, plans within plans, all a bit of a muddle, not enough sleep lately, will sort it out & proceed eventually. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

First step, get more tasty local produce.
It's been a short week, doesn't feel it, a few more things, then sort of done, then a few more things once I feel rested enough to trust myself doing them.

Shaky, shaky.

OK, getting on with it.
Long day, work, visiting with soon to be new coworkers, more work. Should have gone to bed some time ago, doing more work. Happy holidays.

Head hurts, neck hurts, heart hurts.

Going to do more work.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Spent morning trying to dig out of pile of accumulated routine, going to spend the afternoon trying to document strange & new servers in Easthampton.

Amusing elevated anxiety state, kind of nice that it's just work related.

Will maybe grab lunch at Apollo again before digging into servers, huzzah!
Hello, hello- are you receiving me?

Imagine not.

It seems to me that the role of the theorist, the intellectual, whatever, is to inform. There is a tendency to confuse this with mastery. It has nothing to do with mastery. It's all about flows & blockages. People long for a master & some are happy to try to provide, always a misrecognition in any case, no such thing as mastery, at least in this sense, that is, what people desire.

Hello?

I think they hung up.
Again with the not enough sleep, making me feel a bit crazy, lucky my job doesn't involve sensitive equipment relied upon by large numbers of others.

Funny shaky brain, images slipping over one another in a pool of oil, mocking & cruel, putting the x back in xmas.

It's starting to feel real.

By 'real' I mean, of course, 'prior to insertion into the symbolic order.'

Kay-ray-kuh-ko-kex, Cthulhu ptagn! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

"o reche modo
to edire
di za
tau dari
do padera coco"

Etc., etc.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Strange dull state, too much work, not enough sleep, waking time away from work spent largely in strange reveries.

Close my eyes, noises unfold, things start to happen. Dripping faucet.

Best is never to be born at all.
Been quoting Mao on Facebook, sitting on sofa, sipping strawberry soda.

"Receptionist: Will you come in now, Mr Greenslade?
Greenslade: Thank you, madam. I was lead into the presence of a BBC official. I took off my shoes and knelt down.
Fx: Gong sound.
Pompous BBC Official: Now, Mr Greensleeve, can I... can I hear you say something?
Greenslade: Certainly. Ahhmmm... "Winds light to variable."
Pompous BBC Official: By Jove, you couldn't have picked a more... appropriate phrase.
Greenslade: Oh, it was nothing.
Pompous BBC Official: Come, come! Say it again. Say it again... with a smile in your voice.
Greenslade: Of course. [clears throat] "Winds light to variable."
Pompous BBC Official: Delicious! Quite enchanting! Now, say it as though it were a national catastrophe.
Greenslade: "Ohhhh! Winds light to variable! Ohhhhhh!"
Pompous BBC Official: [weepy] Very touching! Yes quite touching. I... I think you have it, Mr Greenslade, you can start work at once.
Greenslade: Gad! Me, a BBC announcer!"

I find myself imagining if I could somehow write it all down, it would all wash away, like tears in rain. Could be, no way to write it all down, of course, fun trying.
"It's snowing again, seems like it's always snowing. Sit down to write and it's so cold."

Used to have a cassette tape of that, listened to it in the car over & over, that & John Cale's Music for a New Society, ah, bygone days.

"Les saglots longs
Des violons
De l'automne
Blessent mon couer
D'une langeur
Monotone.

Tout suffocant
Et blême, quand
Sonne l'heure,
Je me souviens
Des jours anciens
Et je pleure

Et je m'e vais
Au vent mauvais
Qui m'emporte
Deçà, delà,
Pareil à la
Feuille morte."

Perhaps a bit elliptical, overdetermined. How we like it.

"Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well equipped and battle hardened. He will fight savagely."

To that, we say:

"The falling leaves drift by the window,
The autumn leaves of red and gold.
I see your lips, the summer kisses,
The sunburned hands I used to hold.
Since you went away the days grow long,
And soon I'll hear old winter's song.
but I miss you most of all my darling
When Autumn leaves start to fall."

Or alternately:

"Oh! je voudrais tant que tu te souviennes,
Des jours heureux où nous étions amis,
En ce temps-là, la vie était plus belle,
Et le soleil plus brûlant qu'aujourd’hui.
Les feuilles mortes se ramassent à la pelle,
Tu vois, je n'ai pas oublié.
Les feuilles mortes se ramassent à la pelle,
Les souvenirs et les regrets aussi.
Et le vent du Nord les emporte,
Dans la nuit froide de l'oubli.
Tu vois, je n'ai pas oublié
La chanson que tu me chantais...
C'est une chanson qui nous ressemble,
Toi qui m'aimais, moi qui t'aimais.
Nous vivions tous les deux ensemble,
Toi qui m'aimais, moi qui t'aimais.
Mais la vie sépare ceux qui s'aiment,
Tout doucement sans faire de bruit.
Et la mer efface sur le sable,
Les pas des amants désunis."

All the same to me.
Well, today offered a very welcome opportunity to be somewhat belligerent, something I'm good at & enjoy, not enough opportunities for that.

Drinking strawberry soda, reading about the Latin rhetorical tradition.

But oh! that I were young again & held her in my arms.

Excerpted, accepted, asepsis- no ferment. Contrast:

"Deux guerriers ont couru l'un sur l'autre, leurs armes
Ont éclaboussé l'air de lueurs et de sang.
Ces jeux, ces cliquetis du fer sont les vacarmes
D'une jeunesse en proie à l'amour vagissant.
Les glaives sont brisés! comme notre jeunesse,
Ma chère! Mais les dents, les ongles acérés,
Vengent bientôt l'épée et la dague traîtresse.
— Ô fureur des coeurs mûrs par l'amour ulcérés!
Dans le ravin hanté des chats-pards et des onces
Nos héros, s'étreignant méchamment, ont roulé,
Et leur peau fleurira l'aridité des ronces.
— Ce gouffre, c'est l'enfer, de nos amis peuplé!
Roulons-y sans remords, amazone inhumaine,
Afin d'éterniser l'ardeur de notre haine!"

Etc., etc.
Just listened to Big Star's 'Holocaust', preparing to face day dealing with incompetents, obstructionists, etc., etc. Oh Brave New World that has such people in it.

Five, four, baby, three, two, one, gimme soma.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Sleepy me, seeing things, close my eyes & they get worse.

Without a doubt, worst year of my life. That's saying something, really, you have no idea.

Totally worth it.

Should really go to sleep, early meetings & such, scary hallucinations will only get worse once I do, will probably read more Cordwainer Smith first.

Compromise solutions often better than original plan.
Went & got not only soda, but fancy juice, milk, peanut butter cookies, the whole nine. 100% pure war, watch yourselves, fuckers.

Peretz wants a peanut butter cookie.

Should really go take some photos of Amazing.net at some point, their window displays astound with their attempt at innocuousness. Inside, or so I hear, real naked ladies, or perhaps pictures thereof. It's no wonder people are concerned.

Drinking fancy juice.
Tasty meatballs, work's all done, dog wants out, craving soda pop.

Going to walk the dog, then go get soda pop, work on my feminine mystique.

Shockingly violent scenes in my head, worse than you'd think- honestly- much, much worse. What you imagine when I say that, well, it's a lot worse than that.

Keep working on it, you'll get there eventually, don't think you'll care much for it, know I don't.
Array's rebuilt, home early, going to go back in later to reboot server that's lost track of its tape drive.

Going to make spaghetti & meatballs, I think.

Walking around thinking, keep observing myself turning into someone I don't like & am, frankly, afraid of. Working on that.
Going over to look at systems delayed by server hard drive death, watching array rebuild... 40% complete... 42% complete...

Per server, perseverance, perversity. Ipseity, ipso facto, oopsy-daisy.

Etc., etc.

44% complete.
Had some granola.

Going to walk the dog, then go look at systems no one can be bothered to give me access to.

Stomach hurts.
Been thinking a lot the past few weeks about IT infrastructure consolidation and the lack thereof in the nonprofit sector, a bit of a mystery- anyway, if I get to the bottom of it, going to take steps to correct, I think. Maybe I should have a talk with the C/WMARS people. Have wasted enough thought on liars and cowards, getting on with fixing things.

Still avoiding going out, Peretz is sleeping peacefully.
Apparently it's four below out, trying to figure out how to walk Peretz safely. Probably just a very short one, how he hates it.

Looking forward to returning to facing massive work project with dread & amusement, doesn't seem possible to get it done in the time allotted, everyone seems to be moving through molasses, funny slow people moving through molasses.

Thinking about ongoing absurdities at radio station, some people can't be helped.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Decided after all that, all things considered, I would really prefer to spend the evening in with Peretz.

Hard to parse, how I like it.

Perverse.
Another autumn almost finished, this one easier than the last, but much sadder & much less fun. All for things being hard, happy & fun. Not everyone agrees in this. Easy, dull & desperately sad, the way of the world.

Shockingly painful cramps in the arch of my left foot.

Trying to decide if I want to go catch some of a house show over by the fairgrounds once laundry's done.
Having some crumpets, no tea, am extending pinkie while eating them, dainty & ladylike.

Doing laundry.

A woman's work is never done.
Deciding Peretz had been cooped up long enough, made the further, perhaps foolhardy, decision that what was called for was a sunset walk through the woods. Anyway, a few minor cardiac episodes later, home again.

He seems happy.

Planning on spending the rest of the evening in, being complex & inscrutable.
Well, that was interesting.

Long story short, they need help, will do best to provide some, in three months they won't be speaking to me.

Neat facility with giant solar array, really lousy server setup, grant-based funding = screwy prioritization.

Should eat something.
Car's been dug out, hands pink & frosty. Off to do a good deed, will not go unpunished.
Cold, bright morning; cutting wind. Going to go dig out my car.

Delaying. Having a little more coffee. Listening to roaring wind.

Going to go dig out my car.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Peretz walking fast on the ice-covered thin-plowed snow sounds like someone crumpling a ball of paper.

Remarkable luminous clouds.

Lovely world.
Had a case of the fidgets, went on walk around block, precipitation experienced on walk included freezing rain, sleet, snow and forms transitional between these three, pretty neat. Wondering if I'm going to be able to get to that meeting in the morning.

The storm-enforced inactivity is probably character building, been avoiding spending much time face to face with the fact that somebody I love has trapped herself in what seems to me a pretty vile & distressing situation, maybe it seems like happy fun times to her, here's hoping, anyway. Hard to guess how people experience things while nuts, bit tired of trying.

Listening to Mayo Thompson's 'Worried Worried', oh ha ha ha.
Made myself a cocoa with malted milk in it, may make another.

Entertaining myself watching ball of worry change form over & over, been a big source of entertainment this year when I can separate myself from it enough. All sorts of funny moments & postures, probably not a terribly safe person to be around lately, might do any damn thing, funny.

IMing with my brother.
Lying in a pile with Peretz, listening to music, chill pushing through the window, pretty idyllic.

Cocoa would make it more so, would need to get up for that.

Decisions, decisions.
Whole house smells of roasted vegetables & sausages, very much enjoyed my roasted vegetables & sausages.

Sleet has changed over to a misty rain, thin layer of ice building on everything, world almost entirely devoid of color, snow seems blue-gray in the dying light.

Wondering how hard it's going to be to dig my car out for meeting tomorrow morning.
Roasting some vegetables, nice snowy day activity, will broil some local chorizo to enjoy with them after.


Wishing there was a decent upload interface for archive.org, have a project in mind that could really use one, maybe I should talk with them about it.

Going to go outside & take some photos.
Snowing, lovely.

Been too lazy to walk outside & check on state of roads, may go provide technical support to radio station in a while, may not.

Peretz is sleeping, paws straight out on either side of his nose, cold morning. Tried to take a picture, but he moved, shy.

Really have gotten a bit carried away with this writing exercise, should probably stop soon, make time for something else.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Was thinking of going to Flywheel benefit in Amherst, have thought better of it. Did walk into town to see Josh DJing at Hungry Ghost, turned out that was off, went & got some eggs, coffee syrup & malted milk to help me weather the coming storm & came home again. Also got gummi bears.

It's gotten very cold, just fed Peretz his dinner, should probably take him for his final walk of the evening before it gets much colder, then settle in for an quiet evening in pajamas, listen to music, watch cartoons, do conceptual art, etc., etc.

Imaginary horror always seems worse than the real kind, real kind is actually worse. Thinking about the real kind.
So, Shady Glen Dairy Store- pretty fucking fantastic. Cheeseburger unique & interesting, malted thick, malty & flavorful, fries a somewhat generic crinkle cut, but fit the scene well, interesting coleslaw, wet & very finely chopped, wouldn't think I'd like it, but I did.

Went by Tim's folks' place after to recover his car, spent some time visiting with Matilda, an affectionate beagle.

Drove back taking photos of nice sunset, nowhere near as nice as yesterday's, still quite nice. Stopped by the Table & Vine for coffee, bread & fancy cheese, bring on the ice event!

Just been recruited to help somebody with an art site, nice.
Waiting for servers to reboot.

When I see somebody I care about drowning with a millstone around her neck, I rush to remove it, don't ask questions, don't worry if I'm doing the right thing. The thing is, millstones sink rapidly when detached from a buoyant object & sometimes people are so attached to theirs that they'll go right down after them. Still a few bubbles rising to the surface, suppose that's hopeful.

Fingers got very cold a while ago waiting for Peretz to get done digging in the snow, still hurt a bit.

Soon, burger & malted.
Thinking about earnest political types, endless recitation of ever more tiresome truth- look, the Enlightenment failed for a reason. My impression is, approximately and for the most part, everyone's already aware of the truth. That's not the problem. Go right ahead with the recital if it makes you feel better, I suppose.

Very sunny.

Feeling a lot better about being a warlike creature, think we're probably necessary, warlike world, full of stupid cowards. I wish I could help them, there's no helping them. On with the slaughter.

Drinking coffee, Peretz is sleeping on blankets.
More meteors, Mars high & radiant- red planet, take me home.

Bit sleep deprived, déjà vu, Dejah Thoris. Lather, rinse, repeat.

An implacable line of destruction, might meet itself somewhere, might not.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Went out with Peretz, saw a few meteors, came back. Having a brownie sundae, brownie, vanilla ice cream, coffee syrup, whipped cream. I suggest you do the same ASAP.

Once finished with this, going back out to observe sky.
Just made myself a hot chocolate with some very strong dark chocolate, malt syrup & milk. Strong chocolate rather overwhelms the malt flavor, still quite nice. Also baking some prefabricated brownies which I intend to enjoy topped with vanilla ice cream multiple times this weekend. Until I'm satisfied.

(Smiles pleasantly)

Mind alive with evil works & a cheerful, probably healthy, contempt for others and their tiresome, intractable problems. The main thing that makes most of these intractable is that, if eliminated, people would be at a loss what to do without them. Bit like children, I suppose.

Finished my hot chocolate, going to go out with Peretz in search of meteors shortly.

Hugs & kisses, hearts & flowers- imagine, if you would, little hearts dotting the eyes, a decorative border, many colors of ink, rudimentarily fanciful, think unicorns.
Finally got around to digging car out. Think I'm going to do the burger/malt thing tomorrow as nasty ice storm is on for Sunday & Tim needs a ride to his folks' house. How many taboos can one man violate?

Been exposed to some pretty mind-boggling stupidity lately, still find it surprising, must not really be as contemptuous of others as many think I am, don't worry, I'm getting there, soon you'll have been right all along.

Think more tasty food is called for.
Went over to Luna for slices, took photographs of ravishing sunset, was hugged by elderly retarded man who told me, "I'm happy! I'm going to get coffee and no one can stop me."

While eating my slices, observed him walking back home with coffee.

Walking home, took more photos of devastatingly beautiful sunset, they don't do it justice, a life spent trying to live up to its intimations wouldn't do it justice.

I was told there would be justice.
Just spent a while setting up demo of embedded flash player that plays icecast streams in order to humiliate arrogant prick who sent a nastygram to a colleague saying that doing that was impossible & that he was a pro & would know. Same guy who had to have m3u files explained to him a while back, people must so enjoy basking in the glow of his genius.

Want pizza.
11:11, make a wish.

Snow is doing wonders for psyche, pls send more snow, thnx.

Just a little more work, then home to my pup. Boss managed to make his way down from mountaintop, apparently driving his car into ditch yesterday afternoon disconnected car's fuse box.

Lots of aggravating construction noises.
Nightmares again, up again, hopefully light from snow will quickly wash them from my mind.

Anyway, nothing much to be scared of really, just a dead body & an imaginary one at that, so many real ones. Still shaking in any case.

Need to get moving, going into work a bit early, boss is stuck at his mountaintop home.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Done snowing for now.

Talking on the phone with Chris Davis about five way chili, five way girls. He & Emily are at Fat Mo's, getting malteds.

He's going to be in NYC second week of January, may try to make it down.

Realized I should really go to Shady Glen Dairy Store Sunday for burger & malted if it's not snowing too hard.

May make myself a malted.
Reading about dilemmas, Wikipedia says:

"By analysing the top-scoring strategies, Axelrod stated several conditions necessary for a strategy to be successful.

Nice

The most important condition is that the strategy must be "nice", that is, it will not defect before its opponent does. Almost all of the top-scoring strategies were nice; therefore a purely selfish strategy will not "cheat" on its opponent, for purely utilitarian reasons first.

Retaliating

However, Axelrod contended, the successful strategy must not be a blind optimist. It must sometimes retaliate. An example of a non-retaliating strategy is Always Cooperate. This is a very bad choice, as "nasty" strategies will ruthlessly exploit such softies.

Forgiving

Another quality of successful strategies is that they must be forgiving. Though they will retaliate, they will once again fall back to cooperating if the opponent does not continue to play defects. This stops long runs of revenge and counter-revenge, maximizing points.

Non-envious

The last quality is being non-envious, that is not striving to score more than the opponent (impossible for a ‘nice’ strategy, i.e., a 'nice' strategy can never score more than the opponent)."

Being a rational agent is a gas, more people should try it.
Just made some orange/vanilla flavored mochi, not sure what possessed me, anyway, it's chilling, as are Peretz & I.

Might go see some music in town in a bit, might not, might be cancelled, might not be.

Proper winter weather & proper mental clarity, nice to have them back.

Thinking about the parallel postulate.
Came home, warmed up some chili from a jar, ate that, did some work, just put on eponymous Love debut album, made some cocoa with mini marshmallows.

Peretz is being adorable, wrapped in blankets, still snowing hard.

A beautiful time, sipping cocoa.
Managed to only fall down once walking P, nice fluffy snow, fingertips of left hand feel like they've been hit with a hammer, but no real damage. Fun, fun, fun. Nice to see Peretz frolicking wildly no matter how unsafe it is. Enjoy wild frolicking.

Trying to figure out how much more of the day to spend at work, officially, I can leave whenever I like, may just go over, check in, then do remaining tasks from here while sipping cocoa.

Wish I could bring you some cocoa.
Home for lunch, drinking reheated coffee, slipping on heavy winter boots for dog walk. Crazy traffic jam on my street, multivehicle accident on interstate ramp. No one hurt, apparently.

Really overwhelming good feelings, love snow.

Thinking I should maybe be in the market for a geisha, or, given my own refined sensibilities & esthetic discipline, placing myself on the market as one. Anyone care to be fed delicate tidbits while I recite "The Faerie Queene"?
Exciting blizzard conditions, hoping nobody gets too badly hurt, other IT staff gone for the day, enjoying a quiet watch talking about food & punk rock with the web guys.

Crying at my desk, happy, a bit overcome by things.
Did end up reading another Cordwainer Smith story before sleep, this one, all sorts of interesting resonances, structure a bit cockeyed & abrupt, very nice. Somehow didn't keep me awake, fell asleep more or less like I imagine normal people do, seems a bit like being pushed under water, might be why I have such a problem with it.

Half awake, thinking about prose, narrative structure, etc., etc.

Would rather be sleeping, was having beautiful dreams. Since I'm stuck awake, will get on with refining & polishing their contents, action plans, strategies & tactics. Overall strategy, be cheerful & helpful, tactics involve extreme alertness, rapid transitions, layered perspectives. Trying to stick to what I'm good at.

"Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!"

Only, you know, a lot more ironic & fucked up. Sign of the times.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Not doing very well at resting, also recall I was meaning to read a lot this week, haven't been doing too well at that either, did manage to work in a chapter of From Reverence to Rape & a couple Cordwainer Smith stories yesterday, quite beautiful & strange, those stories, may read a couple more before sleep tonight even though reading things that interest me keeps me awake. Could use more sleep, really enjoy lying awake thinking.

Feel pleasantly relaxed.
Stopped by Trader Joe's on the way home & picked up several convenience food items for which I have no real need. Driving back on 9, low deep orange crescent moon, gigantic, delicate, easy to relate to.

Warmed up some yellow curry, flashed the os of spanking new H2 handy recorder so it would mount under 10.5, played around with it a bit, seems to work, going to play around with it some more later.

Need a break, not going to get one.
Busy, busy day. Spent much of in Easthampton trying to figure out how to move a bunch of systems quickly, no administrative access as yet, all a bit vague. Folks over there seem nice anyway.

Would've done more of that, but got called over to Amherst to fix network issue. Just fixed it. This is testing.

Testing, testing.
Being in disagreement with someone I feel quite a deep intellectual sympathy with over whether a third person is just another piece of self-involved, lying filth the world would be better off without or a precious, tender ewe lamb is a bit disconcerting, truth probably somewhere in the middle (kidding, kidding, hate that nonsense)- honestly, though, the shared, implicit predicate, 'infantile', pretty sure that's spot on. Have fun with that.

Finally going to get a chance this afternoon to look at large number of systems I need to move, if only cursorily.

Shower helped with shivers, headache.
Trying to decide if I should make some arrangements for observing the debris of 3200 Phaethon Friday night, head north & up.

Shivering, headache diminished but lingering, lots to do today.

Stupidity & evil come to the same thing.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret Atwood.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Hot cider, pjs, evening a bit of a blur of pain, still fairly enjoyable.

Listening to music, wishing headache would go away so I could read properly.
Why I get no Xmas vacation, bleh.

Wish whoever's driving railroad spike through my temple would stop it.

Hard to overstate how nice it is to have wide array of tasty leftovers on hand.
Headache has grown progressively worse as day has progressed, now accompanied by nausea. Tried eating a whole wheat matzoh at work to see if that would help, didn't. Came home, had some rice pudding & coffee, so far that hasn't helped either.

Need to walk the dog.
Being oriented to long & very long timeframes makes the whole world seem very odd, makes me seem very odd. I'm not actually that odd- long attention span, mostly, also very nervous, so a bit jumpy & out of sync. Maybe that's very odd, I don't know. In any case, I prefer it.

Delaying going out with Peretz, icy fog, sorry, guy.

Head hurts.
Copy of Norwegian Wood I left in Cooley Dickenson waiting area has been read by student who fetched it.

Student says:

"A haunting and enchanting story.

Will add more soon."

Small efforts to make the world more like I like it, mostly they come to nothing.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Decided that icy or no, a walk by myself to clear my head was called for, walked to town & returned copy of The Nutty Professor, cleared my head nicely.

A bit of a mess, maybe, but a mess with sense.
Tasty leftovers are a marvelous thing, thanks, me, very thoughtful of you.

No trouble at all, a pleasure, etc., etc.

Now just need to expand that network & everything will be peachy.
Was at work, getting lightheaded, realized I'd not eaten anything all day. Happens a lot.

Came home & had some lentils & mochi. Waiting for energy to return.

Need to take dog for walk, almost impossible to walk around outside, wish I could take him on a different route, he seems bored with the only passable one.

Spent day at work amusing myself writing useful scripts, should do that more often.
Bit of a skating rink out there, makes Peretz very excited, a wonder I got home without a cracked skull. Очень Перец!

Anyway, out slipping around on parking lots, thinking about moral imbecility. Bit hard to know how best to deal with that when encountered, get the fuck away as quick as possible seems best, but sometimes it's at work & sometimes it follows you around, sometimes it's the guiding principle of the society in which you live. Working on strategies and tactics.

Weak creatures, but a great many of them.

Have enough food left over from dinner party that this should be a pretty leisurely week on the homefront, hoping I'll be able to find ways to take advantage of that, advance projects, etc.
Still with the icy wetness, bleh.

Sleep seems to have normalized psyche somewhat, back to feeling drab & unmotivated, probably suitable, given the nature of my job.

Going to try to read a lot this week, I think.
Company's gone, was supposed to snow tonight. Wet, icy nightmare instead. Inside's not much better.

Would like to go to bed, my room is freaking me out. Should probably make a more serious effort to avoid hopeful feelings, they don't agree with me.

Doing breathing exercises.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Mildly hammered, seems to be helping.

Somebody showed up anyway, in any case, not the point of the ritual.

What the point is, is secret. Even from me.
Ate some nice food, watching The Nutty Professor, no guests as yet, probably best, not really in fit state to receive them.

Should maybe have a drink.

This movie has a pretty startling number of extremely uncomfortable scenes.

Experiencing some remarkable mental clarity alongside unprovoked emotional roller coaster, the gist of that being- things are pretty awful, but could easily be much, much worse. Almost were, as a matter of fact, in several different ways. Would be nice if I could manage to feel relieved, I really should be.
In a bit of a state.

Emotions all over the place, absolutely no external provocation that I'm aware of, what the fuck?

Feel a bit like I'm going crazy, I know, I know, short trip.

Making French green lentils with bacon & onions, reheating yellow curry, just cut mochi roll into little slices.

Hoping everyone's OK.
Feeling strangely hopeful, for others, not myself. I'm hopeless.

Also more complicated than people think I am. It's a pain in the ass. Dealing with it.

Anyway, waves of extreme happiness, not really possible to explain.
Some progress on nonprofit's technical issues, need some more time alone with their computers, maybe next Sunday.

After that, went to Ashfield Lake House, figured they wouldn't have milkshakes & they didn't, really letting the discipline slip, oh, well. Burger was decent but nothing spectacular, good bacon, cheap. Fries an afterthought, always upsetting. Fun watching ice fishing and listening to the locals discuss horrific chainsaw injuries & the like.

Got home, did some dishes, got started on more cooking.

Anyway, doing happy things, thinking sad thoughts, best I can manage.
Interestingly subtle striations in the gray sky this morning which, when photographed, appear as flat gray.

Strange how when one's experience is a constant flow of metaphors and suchlike, people tend to seize on one or another according to their own predilections and raise it to status of emblem, not peculiar to metaphor, of course, just a special case of the privileged scene, pivotal because one imagines it to be so.

What's different about data overload today is not that there's more of it, there's always been an inconceivably large amount of it, it's that we have different ways available to conceptualize it and that more of it is shared.
"I've stopped reading your blog."

Difficult to analyze the motivations behind lies such as these, sort of interesting, sort of not. Seems to involve a misattribution of the significance things have for the speaker to the listener, confusion of identities, profound, banal.

Thinking about genre confusion with respect to the movies I'm showing later, The Nutty Professor genuinely horrifying in many of its more cringe-inducing comic moments, more genuinely grotesque than Altered States, which, structurally, is pretty much a romantic comedy lacking humor. Had forgotten that "I love you, Emily!" is the film's closing line, funny stuff.

Busily elaborating my preoccupations via encounters with the unconscious and the real. Like the big friendly giant says, "One and the same."

Going to go try & provide some technical support to a worthy if dysfunctional nonprofit in a bit. Hope I can help, bit of an uphill battle, apparently. We're used to it.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Beautiful clear sky tonight.

Keep finding myself slipping from happy engagement in things into horrifying, crushed emptiness.

Don't know if you've ever been subjected to sustained abuse by someone you love for trying to explain that they're hurting you. It makes an impression.

Have mapped out dinner party plans through Christmas Eve, after that, think I'm going to take a hiatus from that till Chinese New Year. January is going to be difficult, hard to express how difficult I expect it to be. Probably best if I spend it quietly by myself, wouldn't want to inadvertently hurt anyone. Week safety margin on either side, probably best.

Going to watch some cartoons.
Realized that while spending the day cooking, I had neglected to eat much of anything. Decided I really wanted a cheesesteak. Went & got one.

Things are pretty easy, mostly.
Tried to go swap tapes, somebody's locked the building in a way such that I can't unlock it, oh, well.

Rejection of nuance, it makes me sad. Must be awful to live in such a flat, flat world.

Crying about it, actually. Emotional problems.
Rice pudding's done, made some maple yam mochi, going to make more later, I think, making yellow curry now. Cooking is fun.

Going to go over to work & swap backup tapes in a minute, I think.
Was nice to go to the Bookmill even though they didn't have the book I wanted, got some others: The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Stories, From Reverence to Rape: The Treatment of Women in the Movies, Timeless Toys: Classic Toys and the Playmakers Who Created Them. Good to have a wide range of interests, helps to pass the time.

Went by International Market in Hadley for coconut cream, sweet rice flour, etc., also went by Big Y for a few missing items. Just got started on an Italian style boiled rice pudding with mango & coconut, going to make a yellow curry with root vegetables in a bit.
Watching Altered States, hoping it will inspire me with further ideas for cookery. After that, going to head up to the Bookmill, see if they have a copy of Either/Or & some other things, then do some more grocery shopping.

A beautiful day.
Year spent dealing with obtrusive self, beaten all out of shape by thoughtless associates, annoying, better things to be doing than hammering bits of myself back in place, more than annoying, actually, boring, uninteresting. A year wasted. Realizing it was necessary doesn't make it much less galling.

Sun's up, going to head out into it for a bit.
At some point last night, found myself so tired I couldn't get up from couch & make my way to bed, inexorable hand pushing me down into sleep, unusual, maybe the latkes.

Anyway, awake again.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Made my latkes with pulled pork:

latke with pulled pork

On one of my grandma's dishes no less- bad, bad man. Quite tasty. Chased that with more latkes in the traditional style. Wish you were here.
There's no contradiction between loving people very much & thinking they're self-involved, irresponsible & prone to abusing others, unfortunately.

Been playing around with malt syrup, trying to think of cool things to do with it.
While out shopping for food, it started to snow again, very pretty.

Enjoying some Outlook pulled pork on a roll, going to have some more with latkes later. Also got most of the necessaries for dinner party, still need to pick up assorted Asian items from Hadley, a copy of The Nutty Professor, may try to do that later today if it's not snowing too hard, would like to get started making things.

Either way, going to rest for a bit.
Thoughts of Copenhagen led inexorably to thoughts of Danny Kaye style musical version of the life of Kierkegaard.

Done with work, going to walk the dog, then go find some pulled pork, I think. Should probably really eat something first, bit light headed. Having more coffee, anyway.
Doesn't even populate tables correctly:



Really laughable, does anybody test these things at all?

Also the nonstandard port thing is really ugly, maybe library systems folks could take the time to learn how to configure apache as a reverse proxy? Asking too much, I imagine.
Too fucking funny:



Finally managing to look up some books I've been wanting, quite taken aback by the godawfulness of the new UMass online catalog, what's the problem with putting location and availability info on the main record page? Fucking stupid. All sorts of other ill-motivated design decisions nearly unbearable to my information professional sensibilities. Pressing on.
Wended my icy way to work whistling 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic', warlike Dixie boy, no two ways about it.

Staring off into space.
Out walking in the snow with Peretz, wondering how things might have gone had last year's weather been more like this. Would've altered my experience of it, certainly, but think final outcome would've been much the same. Some people have pretty rigid behavioral agendas and what they do with themselves and others is almost entirely determined by them, without regard for external circumstances, including other people. Glad I'm not programmed to maximize the self destructive potential of situations, so sorry & sad that you are, dear.

Beautiful sky this morning, backlit ripples.
New sage green shirt, brown pants, brown shoes, shocking orange hoodie, powder blue tinkerbell hat. Sometimes like to dress in a manner such that my political attitudes are perfectly clear, no buttons or placards required. Our militancy may surprise you, what of it? A holy terror- that's right, run for it, sissies.

Peretz wants out, waiting for my hair to dry a little.

Heartless, artless, sweet & kind. Thinking about that old girl of mine.
An Affair to Remember just came on, oh, ha, fucking, ha.
Cold morning, thinking about Rimbaud.

Lovely cloud of darkness settling in my brain, making me feel a lot better about things, harsh, clear, active. Lots of things to fix. Lots of things to destroy.

People always seem to want to talk others into making the world into something or other, prefer to just try & do it, neither works, I think my way's more fun, people are mostly pretty stupid, talking with them a big drag.

On with the flashing lights & streams of data, here's to love.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

More funny mental states, hard to describe, tired, not going to bother to try.

Should go to bed, considering a snack.
Was lying on couch, toes hurting, wanting sake. Had to get up to answer phone, used opportunity to warm up some sake, enjoying it now.

Funny the shit that goes on in my head, I think you'd find it interesting, pity you lack the sense to speak with me.

Sake is very relaxing, should drink it more often.

Maybe I should go to Copenhagen.
Myriad tech support efforts done, spacing out. Had some frozen pizza & coffee milk, pale shadow of the dream, still lovely.

Toes on my right foot have starting hurting like the bejeezus.

Ow.

Enjoying some Polanski.
Just back from watching little movie about traffic congestion in town, made me want to go to Copenhagen, tiresome political ranting, beseeching before & after, imagine they mean well.

Work is being a drag.

Peretz wants out, people want tech support.
Listening to Love's first album. There ain't no girl in my little red book.

Trying to figure out some way to make my work schedule less like torture.

Slow morning, sitting with Peretz, drinking coffee. Should shower, walk Peretz. Moving slowly.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Called into work, RIP stopped again, refreshingly, this time there was a determinable cause. Rectified the situation.
Had some leftover Hallowe'en candy, at this rate will be making latkes on New Year's.

Lag & other special effects a specialty. Intimate familiarity with time, the dirty old man, devourer of children.

Kappa, chi, kappa. Letter shows how to do the daily exercises. Thaumatrope, zoetrope, strobe, etc.
Thought of Chanukah led, quite understandably, to visions of latkes with pulled pork dancing in my head. Decided I was too tired for the moment to make vision reality, walked to town for a burrito, picked up latke makings after. Still need a pork shoulder.

Feeling simultaneously benevolent and venomous, not too unusual, even when, perhaps especially when, it's toward the same people.

Just running through my head:

"Bloodnok: Oh. Jigger me crudlers.
Seagoon: The speaker was a military gentleman, clad in a grass skirt.
Bloodnok: That’s the last time I stand near a lawnmower. Ohhhh, that gardener. Oh, what a snake in the grass he is.
Seagoon: Pardon me sir, could you tell us the name of this island?
Bloodnok: Yes, I can. It’s the Isle of Alassie, so called after our national anthem. (sings) I love a lassie, a bonny Chinese lassie…
Seagoon: Splendid, I knew her mother!
Bloodnok: Nonsense, we were just good friends, I tell you…
Seagoon: Wait a minute! Haven’t I seen your photograph in the papers? Something about…
Bloodnok: It’s a lie!! It’s a lie, I tell you! I never went near the regimental safe! Anyway, I was going to put the money back...I…Could I help it if the horse lost? It was two other fellows named Smith, I tell you.
Seagoon: Bloodnok!! Bloodnok! That’s it, you’re Major Bloodnok!
Bloodnok: Well…er…I…er...I was.
Seagoon: What do you mean, you were?
Bloodnok: Well, I had to change my name, you know, it…it got dirty."

Spend too much time listening to that stuff while trying to fall asleep. Spend too much time trying to fall asleep.
Too fucking cold.

Well. It's not really all that cold. Feels cold. Not enough sleep.

Had to rush into work shortly after waking up to attend thing I really needed to attend that was scheduled at last minute.

Nice part about that was, got home early.

Lying in a pile with Peretz. Thinking I should really do something about Chanukah. Sacrifice a lamb or a turtledove or something.
Was up before crack of dawn again, sort of nice.

Losing track of time, yesterday & today touch typing has been one key off a lot. Should really get more sleep.

Watching TV show about the Grand Coulee Dam, thinking about Dunlap/Nickajack Dam.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

After a long lost while on the couch, drifting off into music, computer, etc., got up & pan fried some strawberry pierogis. Taste of summer on an icy night. With creme fraiche.

Tempting to drift off again, into more distant reaches, perhaps. Dog needs out.
Home again, shaking with exhaustion, sad to see T go, still, overall, feel better than I have in ages.

Lovely skies today.
At work, feeling remarkably sleep deprived, thinking about the conceptualization of art as an independent domain after the social conditions of possibility of that have pretty much collapsed. Mostly academics who think about things that way anyway & in their little backwater it's still sort of true.

Think about these sorts of things when sleep deprived, so sue me.

On the plus side, went & got tasty Chinese noodles in Florence for lunch.
Just back from icy sunrise walk, Peretz gobbled down his breakfast, now sitting next to me, belchin'. Wants pommes frites avec mayonnaise.

Going to be a long day.
Sort of nice looking three family for sale just down the street from the Recorder, tempting, you still in?

Sunrise is being pretty beautiful, cold enough out that walking into it made me catch my breath. P's walk should probably be a short one, he's got sensitive paws.
T's gone again. Sun's about to come up. Thinking I should get up early more often.

Thinking about how much I despise bureaucracies- kiss up, kick down; overvalue the expendable, easily replaced fat at the top; undervalue the people who know things & get things done. All pretty repulsive & one might expect, given the stupidity of it all, that in the long run such organizations would get what's coming to them. Experience proves otherwise. Might have something to do with the fact that our society as a whole is pretty much that sort of organization, writ large. One might expect that we're going to get what's coming to us & pretty much every day of the week, we do. Half expect to turn on the TV & see Brezhnev giving a weary pep talk.

Loading up on stimulants, getting myself combat ready, destroy, oh boy.
Early to bed, early to rise, bleh.

Need to pee.

Have beginnings of what I expect to be quite an impressive headache.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Peretz is in full on crazy snow mode, eating snow, running around crazily, rushing to the edge of buildings and pacing the sides intently, unwilling to come away, eating more snow, needing to go back out again soon to pee, eat more snow.

We're lying in a pile, nice & warm. T should be showing up shortly.

Cold world out there.
Mac 'n' cheese is baking.

Think I've settled on The Nutty Professor & Altered States as the movies for next dinner party, think I'm also going to take it easy on myself for the dinner theming, going to simply make dishes with ingredients exclusively from very close by and very far away, probably a mix in each dish. That's Sunday evening, come if you like.
Going to be a long day tomorrow, need to take T to airport at four thirty in the morning, boss is working from home, so will probably be fielding a lot more stupid questions than usual. I'll try to remember my whip.

Making mac 'n' cheese.
Working from home is pretty great, getting lots done, listening to music, eating a big bowl of Berry Berry Kix.

Lunchtime walk with P through fluffy falling snow also nice. Sad you weren't walking through it along with us, oh well, can't have everything.
Some people have all the fun.

My impression was that the place was so awash in various bodily fluids that it couldn't possibly burn, don't know what they were worried about.

Ball peen hammering near my desk at work proceeds apace, planning to spend a good bit of day working from home.
Listening to new Fat Worm cd-r, first track mixing interestingly with neighbor scraping ice off his car windows.

Thin coat of snow, looks pretty icy, but snow nonetheless. Oh, New England!

Didn't get much sleep, head's in a bit of a state, what else is new?

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Decided against calling the cops, knew I would, not much use for cops. Can deal with things myself, mostly.

Ginger ale is a wise counselor. This Polar brand's got nothing on the Harmony Springs Pale Dry, still helpful.
Neighbors in front singing, banging on walls. Maybe it's because Miss China won the Miss World competition?

Considering calling the cops on them. Not big on calling the cops on people.

Having some ginger ale & thinking about it.
Depressing icy precip continues, want snow.

Just out exploring slippy parking lot with P, multiple near falls, wheeeeeee.

Had long talk on IM about depressing state of things with long out of touch pal. State of things pretty depressing.

Nice to be lying in pile with pup regardless.
Decided that getting a burger & a malted on Sunday was more important than maintaining respect for mere protocol, therefore went out in the sleet & got them at the Friendly's on King Street, I know, I know, chain restaurant, in town, been there before, etc., etc. Big on setting up overly complex, largely arbitrary rule systems for myself, violating them when it seems appropriate, sometimes at whim. Hail Ganesh!

Spent my time at Friendly's thinking about missing friends, going to Friendly's on family trip to New England the summer E.T. came out, getting those sundaes with Reese's Pieces, they still make those, I think.

So, burger & malted more important than where I get it, keeping one friend alive more important than sparing another's feelings, keeping systems functioning more important than their being elegant. Try very hard to keep my priorities straight.

Peretz wants out into the ice event. Очень Перец!
Spent my morning playing with returned camera, cold enough out that compulsion to take distorted photos was under a little pressure from intense finger pain, compulsion won out, of course.

After that, went & met Rob & Alie at Lone Wolf for brunch, lovely to see them, food was delightful as always, after eating we made a quick visit to the Smith art museum, hadn't been there in ages, nice book art exhibit up, took more pictures where allowed to do so.

Left museum just as snow was starting to fall, it's stopped again, supposed to get a good bit of it, maybe 2-4 inches. Looking forward to it, a bit worried about T getting back from NYC OK, predicted freezing rain causing electrical outage.

Busy schedule precluded getting my weekly burger & malted, rather enjoying pretending to be snowed in with pup. If I could think of a place in town I've never been where I could get those items, I'd probably go there for dinner, don't think there is such a place.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Tim came by, gave my special magic crappy camera back, I took the pictures & such he took in Europe & put them on a cd for him. Also played him some Coasters.

He told me about an epilepsy benefit at the Elevens & despite the music not really being at all what I'm into for the most part, somehow convinced myself to go check it out, turns out I just can't stand being at the Elevens, not sure what it is about the place, but I hate it there, visited with the Thrillpillow folks for a bit, then split. Always glad to support epilepsy.

Being at home again is lovely, probably more lovely for having gone out, may have some more coffee milk.
Pasta with matriciana sauce was very pleasant. Realized that between this & that, I hadn't had time to restock on local soda, therefore went on quick beverage run to the new Big Y, Polar sodas, milk, coffee, Autocrat coffee syrup. Bring on the snow.

Cold out, fingers & head hurt. Cold lingering in my sneakers.

Thinking about the coming solstice.
Making a matriciana sauce, still no word from old college chums.

Could use a nap, mustn't let sauce burn.

Lovely sunny patch on tree I can see out the window.
Went & did some work at work. Bit blowy out.

Waiting to hear from college chums in from out of town.
Pleasantly crisp out.

Also, word to the wise, Joel is a passive aggressive creep:

"hey. if i was anywere near your house it had nothing to do with you.if its a bother thats too bad, but i realy dont have any intention to bother you.ok. its takin awhile to return some cds but frankly, you did a terrible thing to me.you were very mean and dismissive and calculating.but times gone by and im not realy that resentfull or hurt anymore.i understand that you might not feel safe and you have emotional problems.so i see this and it is usefull understanding this about you .so im not like super mad at you anymore though iam super discusted over what you did to emily.but yeah you are right about the six or nine cd's i have of yours up in the attic that you lent me five years ago . and i'll return them.sometime."

Also might be forgiven for thinking it would be a bad idea for anybody with severe emotional problems to cohabit with someone with attitudes like that toward people with emotional problems.

Anyway, Joel, no need to worry about returning my things, I can buy new ones.
Slow morning, coffee, music, walking the dog, talking to my mom about medical insurance.

Had a funny idea for a website, may actually make it.

Light dusting of snow, more tomorrow evening supposedly, makes me happy & sad at the same time. Beautiful things better shared.

Going to go for a walk, I think.
Drifted off watching TV, woke a little while ago from scary dreams, parched. Had a couple of glasses of water.

God, are people ever stupid.